if you ever read this, you have to know what happened [inside my head]
the things i can't tell you i can't bring myself to say

i thought, "i'm gonna tear myself apart when you're gone so you'll have nothing to come back to."
i thought, "i'm a madwoman. a literal mad woman."
i thought, "i forced myself to laugh at the situation. it was too good. it was too much."
i thought, "what do i do. i don't know what to do."
i thought, "i want to run away. i want to run away. i want to run away. i want to run away."
i thought, "there's no coming back from this."
i thought, "i'm not good at all. i'm not god at all. i'm no good at all."
i thought, "i feel nothing. i'm in no position to apologize or empathize or do shit. it's dangerous to feel nothing."
i thought, "i only think about myself. i'm selfish. when he told me he was hurt, i expected the worst. i wasn't afraid of losing him."
i thought, "he walks around on eggshells for me. and i feel nothing."