[untouched]
the person i'm with
keeps me up
gets me thinking of
sleeping but always
dreaming against the
backdrop of my eyelids
a future with us in it
nights together just to
pick ourselves apart
entanged couplets
with admiration for a
collection of stars
behind my eyes
i shine only for u
as you look up at me
gaze from the mud
no longer blind

i see you
and you me
i u
us

[addendum]
you know i'm a hopeless romantic
and it's been a while since i've done these
poetry and sweet things

believe me,
i wish i were writing lighter things for you
maybe i'm out of touch, out of practice
maybe i'm still adjusting to your absence
but god‒
i hope you still remember me

to remind you
here's a narrative straight from my insomnia

if the talking isn't constant then
who's to say i still exist to you?
you'll counter, say it may be all in my head
you may be right
yet there's no recent thing you've done
to disprove of it
not to me at least
no drawn-out conversation
my company my uncertainty
a defense mechanism evolved from childhood
a fight-or-flight that's yet to save me
from one-sided people-pleasing

i'm actually not sure if i'm learning to be better with you
or getting used to being without you
and that terrifies the shit outta me
how will our years play out
if we can barely meet halfway right now

i'm doing my best
to keep my world spinning
but i hate not being in control
i hate not being able to let go
i hate waiting i'm impatient
i struggle to be understanding
i hate knowing my problems aren't an easy fix
one and done
and you exacerbate it with no sugar-coating‒

better yet,
let's lay that to rest
another thread entagles my conscious
i'm projecting again
let's surface
my plan
is to be with you
for as long as i can
or in hindsight, it was your plan
you surprised me, at first
because i'm usuallly the one to fall before the other
yet
you caught me all those times
or, tried your best to hold my hand, tether me to reality
while i hid away in pillows and sheets
afraid you'll concede to my negativity
you'll agree that i'm not deserving of this love and support you give me
because that's how others made me feel
pity me or not, i'm rebuildiing myself

inside, i still feel like a child
inexperienced
the name of love ruined by others
and you have to gather the pieces

i
i don't think i understand how why you love me yet
still looking for a reason when feelings are all that's needed‒
or
i've yet to learn what a healthy relationship is
one without codependency
insecurity instability
blaming games, hide the truth to protect me
treat me like i'm fragile like i haven't been broken before

i admit
there's a lot for me to overcome
and you're still with me

hopefully
you still don't mind me struggling
because believe me
i'm not turning around, not going back
i want to be worth your time
i don't want it to be you and i
i want us