[untouched]
the door's always open for
u
even if it might seem
closed off
i'm really working on it
just peek in sometime,
yeah?
i beg u

[addendum]
i'm sorry
i'm shorthanded in small talk

conversations end before i can get a word out
so i demand less
or nothing at all
out of fear you'll loose
a hidden lashing tongue
others have already acquainted with
my fragile self-esteem
to the point where
i can barely speak my mind before devolving to
"i don't know"
or fall silent on the other end of the phone
all the fight gone out of me
breaking down quietly
the door partly closed
because you'll bore of me‒

and i'm sorry
i'm so closed-off sometimes
lost in my own thoughts
so i wander off
speak before i can tie my tongue back
words whipping about your head, fast
like a wayward sail
broken masts splintering
under the weight of
overthinking
unreality
derealize
comparmentalize
all of my past hurt
suitcases and baggage, expectant of you to challenge
my thoughts for me
like in therapy
describe to you which part aches more
on a scale of 1-10
how much do you love me?
then you ask
to what extent should i tell you?

now i've done it
gone in a circle
i don't know what to think sometimes
is it so hard to ask for a degree of understanding‒
to tighten a few screws on the clasp
so it doesn't all come spilling out again?

and
it doesn't help
you aren't always around
i know
you've your reasons to be away
and my emotions aren't your responsibility
but they do involve you
so some reassurance
a check-in
i'll truly feel over the distance
instead of being reliant
on old constants and forced hands
meant to keep the rose tint
balanced on my nose
shuttering out the insecurities plaguing me.

i really hope this does reach you
somehow
i've been doing my best to reach out
and hold back
dunno what's going on
if i should get involved
or trust you got it
i'm trying to trust too
but words and promises can't replace your presence

this is the only way i can express
without sending you blocks of text
if this doesn't make any sense
i'll reassure my self
to the best of my ability