how do i even describe it?
i long for you
so much so
that my bones ache,
that my chest caves in
on itself
to make room for the day we meet
(in other words, to make room for you).
don't worry,
it isn't hunger,
or being on the brink of starvation
i think... it's desire.

i long for you still
to hold you
within the curves of my chest,
pressed up
against my neck
to help me breathe.
to hold you
not just within my hips,
but to grip your wrist and
make sure there's still movement
in you,
a pulse to sync mine to.

i long for you
to listen to
music through your ears,
to lose you
in your own tangents and revelations
to hear you
laugh in jest at things that
might not make sense to me
(an outsider to your inside jokes).
i feel though,
as if i'll have trouble
taking up space meant for you.

i long for you still
to have you
outside of navigating and
regulating our lives separately.
to have us
and our shit
together, maybe in an apartment
but we've yet to discuss this.
i don't mind waiting
as long as we're warm
and sharing things.
(never you, though
you're mine).

yes, i long for you
but i'm trying to come back
from one long vacation i've taken
to the edges of my mind
faded as i wade in
hoping you'll still be ashore
when i come swimming back
from the recesses
but honestly
i still feel jaded around the edges
because i'm reaching out yet stressing
that you're not on the receiving end of
my messages
my mixed bag of affection and
unchecked emotions
that taint the way you love me
because i'm still hung up on the wrong done to me
yet i'm trying to level and revel and
let it be, so i won't forget you exist here with me.
not for me, because you've a life outside
of a shared body of
text and conversations
breath on lines of static,
and i'm okay with it because
i know i'm able to find my happiness
without your guiding hand,
i only ask
that you hold space for me
when i come back
okay?
allow me to keep coming back.
i'm falling backwards,
learning how to fly again
after i clipped my own wings
afraid to try again,
but you're worth this pulse in my chest,
racing to the moon and back while
you're gone and
i'm sitting with elated breath

i'll love you the best i can.
and so
i keep longing.