it was during the summer of the last year
when i met my mess of a Messiah.
he found me lying, deserted by my own tears.
i saw he was cast out, a family pariah.


i lay there, clutching the name engraved on my wrist,
because i carved mine skin with a past name his.
but a name his joined the other exes
and i hoped my Messiah didn’t join that list.


still, i was ignorant. he was painted in red.
still, i was drawn in by the smell of mud on his skin.
he too was mourning, name hers never said.
but i wanted him, wanted the past to be forgotten.


it so happened, the oasis was toxic. he felt like a prick
in my side, one-sided wine arguments.
he was drunk, with sarcasm dripping off his lips,
picking at my skin like a scab on an itch.


but, he was the Savior, said “my hurt was mine,”
never him. not his problem i was self-afflicted.
but, there were lulls between triggers that i didn’t mind.
he was still good to me, myself insisted.


yes, some days were warm. i saw his smile, a hint.
allowed me to preach, and i allowed him
to speak my language, and i listened
to his reality. yet, suspicion crept under my skin.


i gave and gave. was weary, wary, teary-eyed.
i let him partake in the flesh off my skeleton.
i broke bread with him while he gave distant replies.
i loved my mirage, didn’t mind if it was an illusion.


i touched the sores on his lips; he often kissed with lies.
i kissed the cuts on his fists; he held grudges like a vice.
i caressed the scars on his back; his masochism didn’t suffice.
i wiped the mud from his eyes, and in turn blinded mine.


i tried my best to tend to our garden. with i, Eve,
him, Adam. saw him tempted by fruits on another branch.
i felt weak. it was him i yearned for, it’s him i need…
but, i reached out and settled, helping another’s hand.


i made mistakes. crossed myself, but i’m not the victim.
four times, my tongue chose to betray name his.
gave my body, my voice. i, Judas, gave a last kiss.
judged by i, Pilate. i nailed myself to my crucifix.


i confessed my wrongdoing. left him in silence.
i withheld nothing, begged for him to wait one second.
i cried, fell to the sword of my own guilty conscience,
yet he told me no, i was dead to him, betrayal reckoned.


i could end it there, but we were stayin’ up all night, alright.
trying to back and forth this, that, argued relentless.
try to recover from it, forever was promised. we’ll be alright.
though, name mine became name hers. i joined his list.


he’s empowered to punish. it’s fair, i brought on our own demise.
still, i let him prick my fingers and poke my eyes.
still, i let him pluck my feathers so i could no longer fly.
still, i let him. he tore me down with an absence of peace of mind.


one day, he revealed that Lilith was my replacement.
i thought he was cruel, and i sang a dying angel’s thesis.
he lied about love, said he wanted me to hurt just like he did.
he killed my feelings with a Spear of Longinus.


i thought he was cruel, i took every trial he gave me.
held the weight of my mistake, though the holes in my palms.
in the end, i wasn’t to be trusted or redeemed.
it was my fault i chose to burn my wings; to free fall.


now, he spits on my name, and he curses at it.
i try to do the same, but i still write his name in cursive.
i know we were far, far, far from perfect…
but, i thought him and i could shoulder my crucifix.