haven't updated this in a really long time, whoops. i've been using status cafe for the short little updates when i don't feel like typing out a longer entry. guess it became a habit at this point.
i currently feel really shitty/aggravated at the moment because of my bf. i just resent him a lot and i'm not sure how to make it go away. he's been making decisions or saying things or not doing certain things that make me question everything. he's so passive with everything; never wants to do anything with me. doesn't play league anymore, sleeps during videos/movies he himself chose. i do things with him on his terms. i just feel like he doesn't even like me anymore. i'm always the first to talk/call/text. i'll just wait for him for as long as i'm capable of, i guess. bite my tongue.
on another note, i'm taking a "bible as literature" class. i'm now seeing how hypocritical/morally wrong and grey the bible actually is (to me). i have an esv study bible, and it feels as if everyone in my class doesn't want to acknowledge how heinous some of the characters/scenes are. i'm atheist, so i have a negative view of christianity because of personal reasons, but the other student who identified as agnostic isn't showing up to class anymore; he asked as much questions as i did. maybe something happened to him. hope he's alright. it's tough getting rushed or cut off bc my professor is teaching from a "believing" standpoint; feels as if she doesn't want to hear my ideas. "it's up to your interpretation." no, i want you to acknowledge the bad things. say it aloud. tell me you're human.
i've thrown up all the black bile. watch where you step.
i'm trying to get back into doing creative things, like drawing and writing, but the spark isn't there anymore. i know i used to have story ideas, they're scattered across all the various websites and apps i use to take notes, but i don't feel the motivation to work on it, and it's killing me.
i kind of based my whole personality around being creative; i was a writer in high school, i enjoy drawing, i dabbled in music, hell i coded maybe three websites at this point. but... i'm starting to feel lost in what i want to do for the rest of my life. i want my future to be calm, like me typing away in my office at home, with a small library and a cat and maybe some plants. i don't know what i'd be writing about, but i'd be writing about something.
i'm not sure who else to discuss this with, or how to find that spark again. my bf shares the same sentiment to an extent, but i'm not sure if it bothers him as much as it bothers me.
i feel like i have to have a story to tell, before i die. i'm about to go to college again in a few weeks, and i don't feel ready to make that transition from free time to being busy again.
i'll try to amend this somehow.
it's been almost two months again since i've updated this; how ironic. i'm still struggling with the same things in the previous entry. it's been at least two weeks (my sense of time is messed up) since i've gotten back from the philippines. i'm struggling to be creative again, though i've uploaded a poem here and updated a page there. i'm struggling with this weird sort of brain fog. i read somewhere that it might be because of covid (got it last summer), but i can't find a way past it.
it's harder for me to wake up in the morning. i haven't eaten breakfast in weeks. i keep going to sleep at 2am, and last night i went to sleep at 4 because of this filipino horror movie. it was pretty good though, it's called "deleter" from the legendary mikhail red (he made "birdshot," another movie i really enjoyed). it was his first paranormal horror movie, and i really enjoyed the suspense, the sleuthing, as well as the subject material it tackles.
i need to find a way to make money for a trip i'm planning in order to see my boyfriend before we both go back to college. i'm trying to draw character designs but i feel rusty yet impressed by my ideas. pinterest is helping a lot.
a part of me (like in the last entry) wants to work on this website more. i've watched a few videos from a youtube channel called "answer in progress," and it's making me want to be busy again, to research things i like, to actually learn coding. i had an idea of adding review pages so i can write down my thoughts on all the anime i watch or books i read, since i'll have more time to consume things this upcoming semester now that i don't plan on working for the newspaper. i still need to tell the university that though...
well, see you all in two months, unless i remember this site exists.
i haven't updated this site in a while (over two months), even though i told myself i'd update more over the summer. looks like my chance to do that is gonna be on hold for a month. i'm leaving for the philippines on vacation next tuesday. i'm not... excited for it ? or like, super hyped for it, even though i've talked about how much i miss the airports, the sun, the beaches, the traffic. hell, i even wrote a whole poem dedicated to being stuck in trapick. we'll just see how everything goes on tuesday, waking up before 5am to make it to the airport. i've been trying to sleep relatively early but, i'm not sure if there's an effect.
i'm more worried about how my relationship can handle the long-er distance, and the different time zones. we aren't exactly on good terms at the moment, we've had a rough few days... i'm not sure if i'm doing any of the right things. i think i'm scared of doing more wrong things, so i don't do anything. it's always one step forward, and i send us two steps back. i'm dumb like that i guess. still, i want us to be okay before i leave. he's the number one thing i'm worrying about right now. i need to change. i need help.
well, other than that, i've listened to some new songs today. and played a little animal crossing. i haven't touched arceus in a while, mostly because i don't want to finish the game yet. i've been trying to write and draw more, joining discord servers for rps, though... i'll be leaving soon so i may have to drop the latter.
hi, my eyes are swollen from crying last night. it was over something me and my bf talked about, and it made me emotional.
i understand there's a time gap between when those things happened to us, and what happened to me was more (relatively) recent, yet still i couldn't stop myself from being surprised or sad. he said it more nonchalantly, although he was closer to death than i was
i know i shouldn't compare experiences. maybe i just feel more sympathy, or another synonym for that.
i have a weird relationship with death. he and i are different in that regard. he isn't scared of it; i am to an extent. i'm more scared i'm not gonna accomplish anything while i'm living.
there was a lot to unpack yesterday, or last night. i think i need more time, to talk about it over time.
i'm so tired right now, on 5 hours of sleep i think. a lot of things made me unnecesarily mad this morning, and i realized there's so much anger and hate in this small body.
i need to reframe how i look at myself, and minor inconveniences, and i have to change my overthinking. i think journaling again will help, but maybe in a not so public place such as this. i might start using notion again for this, but we'll see
i also need to fix my sleep schedule, so i'm not sleeping at 1am or 2am each night, especially when i have classes in the morning. this is the last six (?) weeks of school and i can't afford to slip now.
might have to stay at the dorm for another weekend. fun
i'm gonna hate/dislike being alone every night bc my bf works the night shift, but maybe i can work with that, use that time to be comfortable being alone. i've always been scared of that, mostly bc i worry too much about what i should be doing, or what my bf is doing. i just, need to be comfortable in my own body, my own brain
it's late and i kinda feel numb. my eyes are very tired and i keep waiting for my boyfriend to text me but he seems busy today. oh well
i wanted to start writing a journal again bc why not ? i also feel like i should write down what happens so i don't forget.
for example, i'm pretty sure i saw my old high school crush in a minority panel meeting thing a few student orgs held. i couldn't tell though so i could be wrong. i used to be obsessed with the guy but i felt more shock than anything - someone from my past can just show up in my life again ? what a concept
a ladybug landed on my pant leg before i took a test today so that gave me the boost i needed to finish it in 30 mins
alternatively, i saw two living cockroaches as i was walking back from said meeting. didn't flinch but i didn't step on them
i'm always tired it seems. it's a product of being overworked i guess. comes with the trouble of falling asleep