i'm so afraid to help myself that i help others at the expense of myself. i felt i was [am] worthless. that i had to fulfill other people's goals, their targets, [ideals they had for me]. my compulsive need to people-please was compounded by the fact that i lived in a colorful environment, where i saw people who were like me as competition. i had to step on them to bring myself up. i remember you, chloe. [and i'm sorry for disrespecting you, then doing a complete 180 after finding out you were filipino. i still remember that day. i was yelling at you to do better, when you were hiding behind your hair. it's quite possible that i picked up that habit from you.]

what does saying sorry do? it is starting to lose it's meaning. i shouldn't apologize for being emotional, for thinking different things. i shouldn't feel bad for being alone. i should revel in the fact that i can escape, that i'm able to escape. i enjoy some freedom, some space that's reserved for me, with my name on it. my name isn't mine, it was given to me. would i change it? if i change it, will it erase the heritage i've been gifted? i'm carrying my family on my back. yet at the same time, i don't owe them anything. i don't have to be like them in order to be successful. i don't have to be their vision of success. despite coming to this conclusion many times, it hasn't anchored itself in my mind yet. i reaffirm so many times, i'm on dual sides; i think i'm enough, then i'm not doing enough. i work myself to the bone, then blame myself for not eating. i blame myself for being hard working, because that's what i saw growing up.

i don't want to disappear into a label. i want to stand out. but i also want to carry my culture with me. i don't want to belong to the wrong side, the oppressing side [american]. i want to belong to no one. i want to belong to everyone. there's a duality in everything i do. it's because i grew up maintaining two faces. i reserve the soft parts of me for the wrong people, [to the point where] their spikes stuck to my cotton insides, and began poisoning how i see the world because my vision was blurred with tears [from fear, as i feared] their leaving. because i was too young to know what wrong i was doing, [and how my doing right still brought about so many wrong things]. i didn't know any better. [i did not deserve that.] i cannot be blamed for my trauma. i didn't know how to handle it, unless i saw that it was handled for me. until i saw how other people handled theirs. [then, now i'm getting angry at people for telling me how/not to feel.]

there is a duality to everything i do. an apparition. opposition. [unrecognition.] i'm both and neither at the same time. i just... want to exist. without feeling burdened by the fact that i don't fit in quite right. i realize this. i want others to realize this too. i struggle more than i should, work harder than i could, and neglect things when i shouldn't.

i wish i had the courage to take a mental health day. [i did already] i want to be on people's minds. [apparently i am] i'm so afraid of being forgotten. [you never were. you just keep wishing for the past to come back because you took comfort in it. they seemed simple then, when in fact you couldn't fathom anything.]

maybe i'm not understood because i don't speak up. maybe i get misunderstood when i shout. maybe i only live in extremes. i just want to be... do i want to be normal? their definition of normal?

i know what i bring with me. [that's a lie, i'm not so sure. but i am sure i'm a mess of things, a tangle of wires, constantly rewriting my code.] pain and aching and love and hate. i hold onto old things because they remind me of a happier, naive me. i don't blame her, though. it's just... the world i've seen then was probably not meant for me. maybe i'm supposed to create my own world. to fill the silence i've been forced into while growing up. here, i can make as much noise as i damn please without having people telling me to shut up, to change my shirt, to brush my hair, to shave. FUCK THAT.

i'm not better than you. i can simply exist without you. [or at least i'm trying to.] i'm still able to love outside of you. but i have enough respect for you to not pursue it. [do i now.] i'm putting more energy into you than myself. i need to realize that. NOW. [i haven't yet.]