i'm going mental

1 : i guess it was only fair he cheated too. i did it first. i didn't have an excuse. he told another girl that he loved her, in order to get revenge on me. he's cruel. i tried making up for it, but gave him arguments, too.
2 : i don't know what to believe anymore (still). he says he loves me; he says he wants me; but i don't know if i'll be able to trust him again. a part of me believes i deserved this. but then again, how far would he have gone if she lives in his state ? how far am i willing to let him hurt me ? apparently, he hasn't done enough to make me unlove him.
3 : this situation reminds me of my ex, now, before him. it was [d] that did it first. how he got with a white girl behind my back. ken did the same to me. it's always fucking WHITE GIRLS. i wanna kms. i keep letting it happen. i don't know what to believe anymore.
4 : i'm gonna have to force myself to go to class tomorrow, i'm not getting behind anymore.
5 : the inside of my head sounds like static. and i feel like i wanna bleed. i wanna physically hurt, so i don't feel how much he's damaged me. but i'm doing all i can to stop myself from squeezing my head like a grape.
6 : i want to scream. but i don't know any abandoned places in [redacted].
7 : i keep letting the same guy hurt me over and over and over again. it's funny, how pathetic i am.
8 : my knuckles are red now. i did that. i have anger issues. but at least i'm not cutting anymore. my will to live died in that hospital room, anyway.

1 : still a little obsessive, but he doesn't know that. he's caught up in his own shit, next flight out, while i'm stuck with heavy-lifting the baggage he left me.

2 : i wanted you to be my ekko. maybe you could've fixed me. or, i could've fixed you. but... we were too... different.
2.1 : i wanted to be different. i wanted you to be different from them. you wanted me to be different from your them. you also just wanted to be... left alone. we were two lonely people together.
2.2 : i still can't wrap my head around what happened between us, if i'm being honest. not now, not ever.
2.3 : you were my puzzle, and i was yours. i ate the pieces of yours so i could keep them in my head, but you didn't even bother trying to make the pieces of mine fit. you never finished mine.
2.4 : you were too distracted by the shadow behind you. trying to save your face when the dark caught up to you and tinted everything.
2.5 : you made fun of me for being blind. you don't even wear glasses. even then, all the shots you threw at me found a place on my body. you were cold. like the frost in your hair. you just couldn't see the marks you left.
3 : still, i'm sorry i wasn't perfect. for you. but don't worry. i'll be my own kind of perfect now that you're gone.
3.1 : i have a few people talking my ear off, saying it wasn't my fault. guess who has a bigger ego now. maybe even bigger than yours.
4 : it'll take some time to cut off those pesky feelings, since i see you everywhere. an echo of an ekko. ha.
4.1 : oh. i remember how you wanted to cut me off first. what's this, the fourth time now ? guess what all of that did to me. how you kept coming back, then leaving. saying you loved me, but couldn't trust me with your own name.
4.2 : now, there's a little cloud on my arm for every time you disappeared. vanished into thin air. poof. all those clouds, carved in your favorite colors.
3 : well, goodbye ekko. i'll be different. i'll be jinx now. i'll focus on my own little things. i'll see you around, probably in my brain fog or something.

1 : this shit just keeps getting worse and worse. i wouldn't be surprised if i have a spontaneous death.
2 : idk what to do with myself now.
3 : i hate him so much. but there's still feelings mixed in somehow.
4 : my eyes are swollen. i don't feel like going out. i don't feel like eating. i just. i only wanted to be happy.
5 : i always ruin everything.
6 : maybe i deserved this.
7 : i wish we never got this far, ken. i wish you could've stayed away from me the first time you left.
8 : i wish i wasn't so weak. i wish i could've done better. i wish you could've done better.
9 : i'm not even hungry anymore. it's like i'm feasting on my sadness.
10 : i wish i could forget about you.

11 : i feel so fragile.
12 : i don't know what to do with the you i have in my head. the real one already left.

1 : i think i relapsed into thoughtcrime. and privatevices. my hands are still shaking. i hit my fists against each other in an uncontrollable breakdown for 12 minutes. my knuckles got red under my fingerless gloves; my hands feel warm. i hurt myself to the rhythm of songs that still make me emotional. i'm triggered over something. i know what it is. i don't know what to do about it, except get mad at myself for still being broken. still being unstable. still being drained yet working on fumes. i don't know if i can keep doing this same shit over and over again. i'm losing people and it's making me lose my sanity.
2 : why am i like this. why do i want to hurt so bad. my knuckles are going to be swollen tomorrow.
3 : why can't i just leave things behind. why do i still have things attached at my hip, to my brain like a tumor feeding on my energy until i have nothing left but a swollen mass of thoughts telling me to die, explode, implode, to break shit, to break up, to just unexist.
4 : why is it so hard to fucking be myself right now. i don't want to be here. he's never here. he never asks how i am. i'm tired. all the damn time. tired of him, of myself for putting up with it, for fighting so hard for things to change, only to have them not change. i am. so mad at myself. why do i keep putting myself in these cycles. it's the same shit over and over again, just with a new person.
5 : i feel like retreating into a shell. i don't want to ever open up my mouth again. maybe going here was a bad idea. i thought being in college would be better than the years before because i'd be forced to do these things, but now i just resent having these breakdowns when i have shit to do. i resent everything.
6 : no one understands me. no one cares to understand me. who the fuck can i talk to when i have thoughts like this. no one understands me. i'll just sit with the pot of miscellaneous substances until it boils over and kills me.
7 : people that say "i'm here if you need it ❤" are fucking liars. they are never there. shit i'm never even there for them when i have my own shit going on. i try my best to over-compensate because i've fucked up before, and i make my mistakes out to be smaller than their hardships, so i overextend even when those same people aren't even there for me in turn, when i need a fucking shoulder or ear to cry to. i thought i had fixed that part of me, but instead i just covered it up with golden mist of a new relationship. the wound is still very much fucking open, and i'm bleeding again, picking at the scab. i'm still silent about the pain. everyone hates it when i complain. whenever i open my mouth, i wish i had bitten off my tongue instead so they don't have to hear my bleeding words, or see the mess of thoughts in my throat, just clawing their way out of my starved stomach.
8 : put a gun to my head, i'd laugh and say "finally."
9 : i might just stay at the dorm and, not do shit. i'm tired of being shuffled around like i'm a bag of laundry, being tumultously shared amongst my family until they have to trudge me back to the dryer to be wrung out again. to overheat, be stuffed into a pillowcase, to sweat and cry and excrete, only to repeat the same fucking cycle over and over again.
10 : i think i am traumatized. these feelings cannot be healthy. i couldn't process this shit properly because no one supported me through it, so i had to water it down and suffocate it until it came clawing to the surface, gasping for air, my air. i can't think clearly. i do things once commanded because i'm afraid of rejection. i'm afraid to disappoint. i'm afraid of people laughing at me when i do open my mouth because my shit isn't as serious as other shit. nathan you stupid fuck YOU FUCKED MY BRAIN UP. ADOLFO YOU FUCKING LEECH I GOT MY CUTTING HABITS FROM YOU. RICHARD YOU FUCKING SNAKE MY ANGER HITS ME BACK NOW. FUCKING JULIAN YOU GAVE ME YOUR BAGGAGE AND EXPECTED ME TO FIX IT FROM MILES AWAY. DERRICK YOU BROKE MY TRUST SO MANY TIMES, YOU TRIED NOT TO BE ONE OF THEM YET YOUR NAME BELONGS TO THEM NOW. YOU TAUGHT ME NOT TO ASK FOR HELP, NOW LOOK WHERE I AM.
11 : i'm exhausted.

1 : it's just the era of good feelings again. or, the ending of it.
2 : i wanna go back to therapy. but that costs money i don't have, my parent's insurance.
3 : please don't let it get worse. not now. please, i have so much stuff to do. don't let this be it.
4 : why does it still fucking hurt ? i was okay earlier. i think, at least. then it's ruined. because of the same damn guy i'm pushing and pulling away from.
5: your name hurts so bad sometimes. the thought of you weighs so heavily on my head sometimes.
6 : i don't think you care at all. something did happen, something i dont know of. you're getting more distant. why don't you break it first. have the balls to leave. you've already left before. why not do it again.

1 : you don't understand, i'm obsessed with you. i must leave you alone, or i feel like i must. i'm doing this for myself. to protect the softness shrouded in spikes. still a goddamn hedgehog.
2 : i don't wanna chase anything anymore. i'm still made up of the people that left, or i left behind. i'm the bad guy, and i have to be okay with that. time to project on another chaotic character.

archive : a pretty little scar for you. right across my throat. since you like the idea of choking me. and i like seeing myself bleed.

archive : list of my problems, and you're one of em.
got this one on my mind and it's crazy because it feels like i'm not even his, just another girl in his dms.
like why you do that, text me firstly then leave the convo empty n blank. like why you do that, get me all excited then leave i feel my heart sink. like why you do why you do that, just can't explain it but just know that i fucking see, you be liking those pics and it shows on your feed, sneaking round like you got lighter feet.
but i ain't done shit, but be the real thing. always been the one to try to explain. the reasons why i call you again and again, then call you by name and make you explain because i want you to stay...
it's only ever been me obsessed with the other person. it's never reciprocated. that's probably why i pick the bad ones. i think my love can fix them, so they can return it back.

1 : every other week is a new mental breakdown. my hands are shaking. my nose is running. i want blood. to taste it, smell it. it's always so easy to knock me down. despite having all of those barriers put up, harvesting negativity so i'm immune to my own feelings, rationalize the worst-case scenario- but in the end, it's all for nothing. i'm still sensitive to the smallest shit. the slightest inconvenience is enough to ruin me. i'm a mess in the shape of a person. what am i to do with myself. i want to lie in bed for days. i can't rely on no one. not even him. he isn't capable. i don't trust him. not now. i feel like isolating myself again. running away. i want to run. and never come back. erase myself. start over.
2 : you're probably the one making it worse anyway. but why can i never bring myself to cut you, everyone, off. am i crying more than i'm laughing. possibly. i don't want to be here. i don't want to say anything. think whatever you want. say whatever you want. i'll just hurt quietly.
3 : i'll just pretend everything is okay. don't rock the boat by jumping to conclusions, right ? i hate conflict. i hate his intonation, being talked down to, argued with, invalidated. now... i just want to be alone.
4 : you don't need me. i wouldn't even want myself. go talk to those other guys and girls. go flirt with them. badmouth me to your friends. go prove me right. so i can die alone. we all die alone. i thought i'd be better by now, but i'm still the same. remove yourself before i get attached. or no. it's too late. i am attached, but you can let go if you wanted to. fuck my feelings. i've too much of em to feel anything right now. it's all my fault isn't it. it's my own brain creating this shit. right. i'm looking too much into it, right. the floor is uneven, and by trying to straighten it out i end up talking in circles.
5 : i've never felt safe. in any relationship. always under the constant threat of anarchy, a coup. or even a ban on them together, by a higher power. give up my sovereignty for a few more scars on my arms. felt stuck loving the wrong people, trying to fix them. now i can't even fix myself. and my partner doesn't need me to fix him. i feel useless. my only skill is overthinking. i can only offer jealousy, a dash of crazy, and a week of depression, and mood swings too high in concentration to be healthy. i don't feel understood. it is my problem, and not ours. it is my trauma, and you refused it when i shared it with you.
6 : it's alright. i wouldn't want me anyways. it'll be okay if you go. you can find someone better. i'm just an amalgamation of all the people i've loved before. i'm loathe to accept what they've done to me, so i keep their voices in my head in order to keep that cycle going. all of their expectations made me criticize myself at my every turn. now i can barely defend myself against their onslaught. and their voices transformed into a garbled version of mine.
archive : i wish i wasn't so crazy. all the good feelings i try to build up over time come crashing down in an instant. i wish i wasn't so curious. now i want to retreat into a shell, and never come back out again. i can't afford to have mental breakdowns. that's what's fucking sucks.
you can't always be there for me, can you. but others can. they do their best to understand me. why is it so hard for you to see the wrong in it.
it's my insecurities, right. only that. never you. not ever you. you make me feel insecure.
my expectations are the bare minimum. for you to be there when i need you. and yet you don't even meet that. to reassure me, whether it's physically or mentally. and you don't take me seriously when it comes to that. you miss the point. how am i supposed to feel safe here... how am i supposed to feel safe when i'm with you.
i'm crazy. i'm tripping. i'm insecure. i'm nothing. i am crazy. what am i doing. i want to stop caring. because i end up caring too much. if i could i would feel nothing.
i'm never at peace. what the fuck. it's always something new, right. every damn week. it's a new problem. what is WRONG with me... i'm so done...
go ahead, break my heart. it's already broken anyway.

archive : guess i better wash my mouth out with soap...
napakiraramdaman ko na disinterested na siya, masakit na masakit naman...
ごめんなさい。i'll remember that. all in. my choice. wait.

archive : i wanna ruin my body. but i wanna perfect it at the same time. i want tattoos and dumb scars and dyed hair and piercings down the middle. but i also want clear skin and a toned body. where's the middle ground...
i say i'm alone when i don't reach out. i don't wanna do work, i'm too busy getting distracted by reposted reels on instagram. i want to draw and mix music and write again. but i think i'm losing those skills...
does it feel better to not have an audience? no, i'm still lonely as fuck.
oh no, i'm becoming the girl everyone wants me to be. i keep thinking i'm unique, but i'm quite possibly not. i like what i like, then get influenced. it's always so subtle. social media is terrible, i think. but why can't i stop using it?
i wish i can have a conversation with someone, instead of just shouting into this void.
i distract myself so i don't have to think about the fact that i've not one person looking out for me (maybe a few).
where's the compassion in relationships anymore? i smile, then lose it when i realize it isn't reciprocated. it's hedgehog's dilemma all over again. i'm an amalgamation of all the people i have and haven't met. i carry them with me always, but push away those that i want to stay. i've convinced myself i don't deserve anything, whether if it's from success, or relationships, or even reassurance. i deserve none of that, and still don't know how to treat myself well.
i'm scared to open up because i've been misunderstood so many times, by the people i was close to. i have my own share of mistakes, but i want to be vulnerable too. it's a lot to carry, and i want to share it with you but you aren't here. how do i know who has my back? i reacho ut and they dip after a few texts. it doesn't help that i'm in love with him either.
all the hype music in the world can't distract from the fact that my closet is empty of the clothes i wanna wear.
yep, the twang of loneliness is still there. just an empty space that stings sometimes. like a wound in my side because no one is beside me.
all the love songs in the world and it's still your name i hear. oh how i've fallen... i hope he isn't becoming distant... don't hold onto me when you wanna let go.
i'm sensitive, i get emotional easily. i need reassurance constantly. i half-expect my mind to be read. and still, i hold my own hand.
don't you love it when you make yourself cry for many damn reasons? it's just so many thoughts crowding each other...
bwisit ka. no, really. it's just quiet resentment and tolerance.

1 : i am this close to ending it all. just leaving everything behind. i don't wanna keep doing this anymore. i'd rather fucking die. there's no one to watch me spiral. to even catch me. i'm dying in my mind. i'm slowly fading away. i don't want to stay anywhere. i want to fucking... i want to die.
2 : i wanna disappear, see who even notices i'm gone. i want to fucking drop out. i can't do this shit till 12 every night. i can't i fucking can't. i wasn't even able to relax this weekend. i didn't get enough sleep last night. i feel like i'm on edge. like i could die in the next few minutes. my heart is pumping, my head is pounding fast. i can't DO THIS ANYMORE. i can't. what is WRONG WITH ME. WHY AM I NOT NORMAL. WHY DID I HAVE TO GROW UP LIKE THIS. I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE THIS SHIT I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE. I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE. I'D RATHER FUCKING DIE.
3 : i'm at my limit. or maybe i broke it already. i just fucking can't bring myself to do work. i feel like i'm burning up from the inside out, and no one is here to fucking hold me damnit... to cup me in their hands and caress me even though it burns them to do so. i don't want to do it myself. i don't want to use something sharp, tossing and turning over embers, layering the scars. i didin't even realize i was so busy, the date had passed. it's been a year. since i tried to act on an impulse. i'm getting impulsive again. i haven't fucking healed at all. just leave. go away. don't come near me I AM A MONSTER. just go. please. i'm hurting and i don't want to hurt you.
4 : where did my peace go. i've been chasing it for days, i found it in some places, but it always escapes. what's there to anchor me now ? i can feel blades under my scars, trying to tear me apart with guilt again. calling out. we're still here. you remember us. we're permanent now. there's even more scar tissue in your head, but people don't see it. they don't believe you. they'll never understand you like we undersand each other. pale. become more pale. more thin. show who you really are on the inside. become that monster they made you out to be. there's nothing good left within you. nothing left. it all left with them. you kept giving and giving, while they kept taking and taking. now it's your turn to be selfish. follow through. disappear. fall apart. silently. don't tell anyone. they wouldn't care. no one ever did.
archive : i feel like deleting everything and i dont know why. i haven't been this sad in a while. i hate how impulsive i am. is it because i didn't get attention? i feel like a child, if that's the case.

1 : i've been at college since the last entry. busy adjusting, making my schedule work, running from class to class, waking up early. i wish i can just stay in the dorm, instead of going home every weekend. i get the room to myself most nights, since my rooomate ends up staying with her bf in the other dorm.
2 : having the room to myself means i can play really loud music, eat smelly food, dance around, cry when no one's looking. wait for people to notice me. wait for people to invite me out. feel like i don't belong. like i haven't changed.
3 : i pass out before 1. the loud music plays between my ears, i'm probably gonna go deaf. i barely leave the room unless it's to eat or for class. my parents call me every fucking night even when i just want to do my own thing; always asking what i'm up to. i guess that's where i got my clinginess from, i inherited it.
4 : ken has been more busy than me. i don't always know what he's up to but i guess i can just brush it off, it's fine. it's all in my head, right ? just hold onto old words and his feelings, he still cares. am i really making excuses for his absence ? i keep running back to him because i... love him. i don't know if i'm important to him anymore. i don't know if he sees me. i don't know if he's honest or not. he hasn't called me his in a while, no nicknames, i ask him to talk to me, never says he misses me, or loves me. it doesn't feel like he makes time for me, while i do my best to talk to him throughout the day. am i even his partner anymore ? why do i hurt so much from this ? i wish i can just turn my pain receptors off, to feel nothing... can't i just have one relationship with more good than bad ? am i creating the bad just so i can have more good ? or is the bad actually real and not my fault ? i don't know...
5 : i just... i still feel so alone, even with him, with other people. i realize that, but how do i change it ? i'm so tired... i'm tired of reaching out, i just want someone to hold space for me, to reassure me, to say i've worth. i can't always create my own happiness, a feeling of safety for me to retreat into. i'm not independent yet. god why is this so hard still i thought i was grown now...
6 : goodnight, i'll go cry in my bed now, a graveyard of all my emotions...

1 : i wish i can be healthy, mentally and physically. it's getting bad again. my trauma is resurfacing. i'm blaming myself again. i just want to forget everything that's ever happened. so it can stop ruining whatever good things i do have. i thought i was growing, that i was healing, but the decisions i made just seem to exacerbate the wounds i do have. i need to learn how to let go. i hope i can take whatever is coming. i don't have the confidence right now, but life isn't gonna stop so, there isn't a use in crying, right ? i'm so confused on what i can do to feel better. relying on myself is getting exhausting. i... feel so wrong; everything's wrong. i'm scared of so many things. i just want life to pause itself just so i can recover. this whole summer just feels like i've been recovering, and i've never reached that end product, where i'm all shiny and new, with higher self-esteem and a sense of self, to separate what i did in the past from the present and the future. how the hell do people stay so consistent, and confident, and not be broken down by the possiblity that everything can go wrong ? i have trouble trusting that things will be good this time around... i really am still recovering.
2 : i just want to be okay. my definition of okay is less crying, less sensitivity, less jealousy, less anxiety, less urge to control everything around me, including my relationships, i only have one i truly care about anyway. i know what's wrong, why can't it just magically fix itself by my being around the right people ? i just... don't know at this point. i try so hard to be vulnerable with someone but he doesn't seem to care and... it all just feels wrong. i don't know i don't know... when has anything ever felt right in my life ? i've been betrayed the number of fingers on my left hand, but i can't even measure how much it hurt, and how much i deny it hurts just so i can feign a reality that i am stable, i am doing well. this isn't what i wanted. i don't know what it is i need. i just... it is getting worse. i wish i can stop existing.
3 : god i just wish someone was on my side, besides me. i just wish someone can tell me "it isn't your fault you are like this. lots of things happened to you that you weren't equipped to handle, and you did react those times, and they are affecting you now. but you shouldn't blame yourself; create a safe space somewhere, and let yourself go." i made my safe space a singular person, so many times, but they never felt the same way with me because they always manage to find a haven in someone else. maybe i'm just a house not meant to be lived in. oh god.
4 : i have a hard time letting go of people, and you aren't making this any easier.
5 : once someone shows me affection, i'm done for. i attach to what little slivers they give me, and when it isn't consistent, i shut down, because those slivers are the only thing powering me, giving me a reason to wake up every day. without that... i feel useless.
6 : i want to reach into my brain and take out all of the parts that keep fucking with my life. i don't know how i want my environment to be like, so i can only look into myself.

1 : it's been a week since i wrote here ? huh... sorry about that. i am dead tired, and it's a coincidence that it's for the same thing last week- college dorm shit. again, i couldn't get any sleep last night, i kept waking up (i think i checked the time and it said 6:33 ?) and i feel like i'm in a haze, again.
2 : i made the mistake of leaving to eat dinner and coming back to this. i completely forgot what i was gonna write... oh well. hmm, that's basically all i did today, just go shopping. i'm moving into my dorm on friday, and i have a LOT of art to do in that short span of time... i really wish i kept my planner instead of leaving it at the college.
3 : i'm almost sure i'm self-sabotaging my sleep schedule by staying on technology like- 30 minutes before sleeping, THEN writing out late night plot shit for my anime, because that's when i get most of my ideas. hell, i only recently got the clarity to write that shit at like- 2 in the morning. i'm gonna be a WRECK once i start attending classes. then, staying up late to talk to my bf just nailed the last nails on the coffin- though yes i love talking to him- our energies are vastly different at 3 in the morning and, he was right to set a bedtime, or at least try to. ugh... i need to fix my co-dependency. i can't take this with me to adulthood.
4 : i also got new glasses. not sure how i feel about them yet, but hey they make my vision better, that's 1 out of the 2 functions right ? i'm kinda annoyed with how crisp the vision is- now there's so much flaws i haven't noticed before. damn, now i have to add self-esteem to the list of things for me to fix-
5 : i can't wait to move out. to not have my parents criticize my appearance or force me to do things that they believe is "good for me." i don't want to have a serious talk with them when they refuse to understand what my thoughts are like, what my motivations are for doing certain things, but then again- i realize they're from a different generation AND a different country altogether, so i can only control my life from now on; i fucking hate having to appeal to them these last few days, just so we can end on a "good" note. that sums up what my sister told me earlier, to just humor them until i can get the freedom to do the shit i want. staying home on weekends ? hell no, i wish i can just come up with an excuse for that. fuck... i also realized we have to go to church tomorrow when i'm pretty sure i'm an atheist !!! fuuuckkk !!! i don't even pray anymore ? much less believe in some greater power that has a hand in helping me along my life ? nah, let me have the wheel for once.
6 : this... is the shit i bottle up when i've no one to talk to. it just- sits here in the void that is my journal. who would be interested in reading this shit ? no one. welp, back to the graveyard, hopefully i pass out tonight.

1 : good evening/morning y'all wherever y'all are in the world- i just dropped off my shit at my college dorm today and i'm so fucking tired ?? i woke up at 5 for no reason, kept tossing and turning and couldn't get back to sleep, but no one knows that except me. i'm literally hanging on by a thread, i didn't even go to sleep until 12 ? because my brain was moving faster than me and the only way i could slow it down was by writing shit out so... last night was a bad time. today itself was okay, i wasn't really over-the-top excited; tbh i felt detached almost ? like this isn't my room, this isn't my shit, this isn't real. i'm not starting college in 2 weeks. i'm not behind on all my shit. i just- it's weird, like i'm tip-toeing the line between the present and the future, but i can't see anything ? like i'm blind or some shit, and it hasn't materialized in front of me like an oasis yet. idk if college will save me, but it sure will get me away from my parents, which will help a whole fucking lot-
2 : anyway, i miss my bf a lot.. hopefully we get to talk tonight. and hopefully i can stay awake until then-
3 : i also realized that today i'm basically living off of the IDs i find in song mixes and shit, and that looking forward to them (and eventually hearing it played in an ACTUAL concert) is kinda what's keeping me going. a new song from knock2, a few more songs from jackal, olivia rodrigo's sour album, music is just- keeping me going. huh.
4 : what else was i gonna write- oh. i came up with a list of other shit to bring to the dorm so, gotta go shopping for that !! whoopee. i am excited, i'm just- so DAMN tired. i need to add hairdryer and another thing i forgot- see this is why i'm terrible with shit like passwords and grocery lists, my short term memory is absolute shit ! or maybe it's because of my sleep schedule and parental-regulated bedtime. god fuck.
5 : i plan on adding my ocs eventually, but for right now i'm just focused on getting the world and plot together first, then ocs later, to fill in the gaps, to be the vessels for my plan.
6 : until next time. i'll see y'all after passing out in the graveyard.
7 : just realized that i curse more when i'm dead tired. sorry not sorry.

1 : not long after that last entry, i think i had a few depressive episodes ? i'm not sure what to call them, but i suddenly overthought everything- my future, my body, my purpose in life and i couldn't do anything but complain, write out negative shit, listen to sad music, and lose sleep. it was terrible but, maybe one reason it was so bad was because of my hormones and period shit but, i also maybe need to see a therapist again. or, a doctor so they can get me to a psychiatrist, i dunno. i let all this shit build up, and distracted myself with a few healthy alternatives but- i let shit get to me, and i stayed down for a while. right now i feel better but, i just realized that as much as i want to live how i want to, i still have to bend over backwards to keep a face on for my parents. it's exhausting, having to pretend, to hide shit, just so they won't impose more fucking restrictions than i need. i know i'm in control of my life but, i don't act like it.
2 : went shopping for dorm shit today. i don't feel ready to start college in a month. in fact, i think i'm dreading it more than anything, because it isn't just "school." i just- i need to go. apparently i still need a fucking bedtime, even though i already stay up till 3 anyway. i really want to move out, and to experience shit that would make my parents mad.
3 : hopefully i can legitimately sell shit online- i'm kinda banking on that instead of an actual job since i can't drive nor do i have experience in anything... which fucking sucks in this hustle culture of an environment.
4 : i'll update this more tomorrow, i wanna watch something with my twin. back to the graveyard. [i might have more poems to edit and show, and i finished a whole ass notebook that i started last september, so ain't that fun ? i got a new one a few weeks ago so, i gotta get that shit OUT onto digital paper, so i can edit it].

1 : these past few days have been.. surprisingly good, in general. i was with my bf a lot, mostly just watching movies and talking, and to be honest- he really makes me happy (or more accurately, all fuzzy and warm inside). i wrote him a couple more things to express my gratitude that i hope he doesn't find annoying- but i'm really glad he wants to spend time with me // ack i'm getting flustered just thinking about this-
2 : hmm, yesterday though- was sorta weird. my ex's sister wanted to talk to me on behalf of d; she said he was getting sad, and thinking about me, so i just- gave them the bare minimum of what i'm up to these days, and said i didn't want him back in my life anymore. i'm less angry about what happened, and i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that he isn't my responsibility anymore- that's why i'm not unblocking him- he made his decision, and i mine, so there really isn't a point to try and become friends; i already told him i don't date only to become friends in the end. i rather like where i am now, and i don't want that getting undone- that probably makes me sound selfish and insensitive, but i've told myself i'm never talking to him again, or talking myself into something like that again. that's my boundary. ugh
3 : today, i was productive but not really enough for me. i spent a lot of time on this one fucking design- went through so many iterations and redesigns, until i just left it alone. i'm working on some adopts too, and colored the first batch, so now i just need to finish the second And clean up all of it. hopefully my paypal works-
4 : idk if i've been sleeping well, or consistently, and maybe in the future it'll fuck me when i start going to college, but i like the night- it's when i get to spend time with ken after he gets home from work, it's when i get most of my ideas for my anime. maybe, i'm just mad my parents wanna enforce a fucking bedtime next week. i don't know, they mean well, but i'm technically an adult ? and i try my best to get at least 6 hours. at least i'm not laying around all day, i just.. take a long time to get out of bed.
5 : that's kinda all that's happening with me. i'm gonna try and spruce up the place with new pages, and maybe some oc stuff (or some scrapped poems, whichever), but for now it's back to the graveyard.

1 : oh god i legitimately miss coding big fucking pages and shit. hopefully i kept some of my old layouts lying around somewhere- i might just reuse those, since idk how much time i'll have on my hands once college starts to actually dedicate time to coming up with new shit (researching and using html schools as a crutch). i miss the community as well... following people with cool sites, and having them follow me back... i guess i'm just afraid they won't interact with me because i don't have much to show for. my motivation is all over the place, for different projects and whatnot. i just really wish i was consistent like i was a few days ago, finishing up 2 drawings in a day (a crazy feat)...!
2 : i also hunger for numbers, like the self-gratification-seeking teenager/adult i am. oh well. this is what social media has done to me. you know, i actually remember a time when i checked this place religiously, and would just be so fucking active and shit ?! where i was updating this site nonstop, and having people comment on my work. but that was almost 2 years ago, around the time i got annoyed with the update number bc it was so high compared to other sites... i have 3 sites now ? this one my current, another being my portfolio, and my first ever one that i abandoned. i think i still care about numbers... but i should learn how to let it go.
3 : these past two days, against my better wishes and responsiblities, i worked on my characters and my story. i think i have a more solid foundation down for where i want to go with it, and a more clear idea of what i want the ending to be like (hopefully). i've developed at least 1 character so far, with a fully developed bio ! i'll probably post him here instead of th because... this site is more public, and easier to navigate, AND the views will be going to me, on a site with less links to other places that'll prey on a poor viewer's attention span (like moi).
4 : ahhhhh what to fucking do with oneself. first i was on a poetry kick. then i was drawing shit. and now i'm on my oc shit !! i sort of feel guilty for being all over the page, and for working on my own shit when i have so much art owed to other people... maybe i have something, because this difficulty concentrating has been around for a while...
5 : it's weird working in my room. we're getting some work done downstairs, so my usual working place at the dining table is- occupied, to say the least. i know in psychology that it doesn't help to work in the same place you're supposed to relax in, but i've never had a proper desk before, so i gotta make do. it's worrisome that i'm feeling more and more tired these days, when i want to get so much shit done. i get way too emotional at night too, thinking about the past- my need for human interaction spikes too, when everyone else is asleep but me. oh... what i'd give to just have someone to talk to, face-to-face, instead of over the phone. or... someone to cuddle with. that sounds nice too.
6 : it's whatever. i'm getting more exhausted as i keep writing. i think i'm doing okay for now, but my sleep schedule is really fucked up. how i should fix it, i've no clue. [a touched starved ghost slinks back to her graveyard]

1 : i'm so fucking tired. it just never goes away, exhaustion is just a fucking obstacle when i want to get shit done...
2 : i just want a time of day to call my own, to belong to only me, is that so much to ask ? where people pay attention to me, and what i want, instead of only just tolerating me only for them to go back and do what they wanted to do in the first place, like why include me if i'm just gonna be put to the side anyway. it feels like i have to fight for people to pay attention to me, i have to always constantly be "there" for them to see me, when sometimes i simply don't want to get up, i don't want to check. i just... don't care anymore. i've raised myself to be low maintenance. and low maintenance is where i'll remain. i'm so tired of it all. i'm tired of longing for intimacy when no one wants to fucking talk to me. i'm done. i'm just done. i'll be alone, if that's what will make everyone worry less about me.
3 : i keep questioning everything about my relationship and i get overwhelmed by all the what-if questions, or if-he-really-means somethings. maybe i'm lacking stuff that makes me happy, things that make me stable, but i'll never ask for it. something needs to be fixed, but i'll just stay silent. he's busy anyways. even though kailangan siya, i don't like being dependent so i'll just... let him be. if he's busy, fine; at work, okay. i'll happily watch them fade away. i've seen everything before. this is where the contact slowly starts to get cut, talking less and less until one day nothing happens. and it'll hurt, and i'll feel empty. oh, i'm spiraling. oh well. i can't really control it anyway. like a goddamn rollercoaster.
4 : i should have stayed asleep. i should sleep for a long time. no one will miss me, right ? god my head hurts. i cried so much last night. i was sealed away in my room, screaming into a pillow, and no one woke up to check on me. maybe it's best that that didn't happen. at least they won't poke and prod me afterwards or during it. i should accept that i'm alone, and that feeling lonely will never be satiated.
5 : it's getting worse again. i know it. i wish i was a ghost, so i don't have to feel the pain of living. the one i love isn't present all the time, and i have to cope with his absence when i want to talk to him the most. it feels familiar. i'll fade away instead. dark mode looks nice, to be gone, to disappear.

1 : i can still smell the weed from the parking lot; it lingers for some reason. there's also this phantom feeling of my choker on my neck ? probably because i've worn it the whole day. anyway, i just came back from a trip to busch gardens; it was really fun, and i won a prize but still overall left with memories and less money in general.
2 : i barely got sleep last night because there was shit i forgot to take care of before i left- i stayed up to fix that (there's still so much to do), and i did get sleep on the ride home- but i'm so so very tired. i guess it's chronic. looking out the window as someone else drove, though, it's something else.
3 : i still thought about hurtful things, but it didn't sting like it used to, in my chest. songs on the radio remind me of the past, and i'll forever associate those songs with an ex, and i can never change it... all i can do is tell myself that i'm worth so much more than him, and i gave him my all, and that all the hurt i feel is a part of the healing process. i'm not at fault for his indecisive ass. i shouldn't have to convince anyone that i'm worth their attention. they should be the ones willing to lift me when i need it; i sabotage myself sometimes, but he had a hand in driving the knife deeper. and now, i'm moving on, because i deserve better- with someone who wants to stay for a while, someone i want to share so much with (without holding my breath).
4 : mahal kita, ken. i hope you know that.
5 : now, all i need is the motivation to finish the poems i've already started, to channel some inner creativity into a funnel that tops off the half-baked concepts i have. oh, and i also have shit to draw, fuck-

1 : wow, i haven't made an entry in a week, when i used to be so consistent. i had a good breakfast today though, i can still feel the hot chocolate burn on my tongue. this... stupid beach vacation is making me so tired, of many things. my family, our ill-planned two-day trip. now i feel irritable, since i didn't really get good sleep at the times i was used to... i had some vivid dreams last night, though. it was a mistake not to bring my notebook, what with the terrible service obx has on its bridges, but it's in the past, and notion is reliable to an extent.
2 : the car ride was existential, and worrisome because of the heavy rain. i... yearn for many things. sleep being the utmost, then time with my bf being the closest necessity...
3 : the songs on the radio driving home made me sad. as if all the heartbroken-love songs were calling out to the past with open arms, calling out to faded pictures where their loved ones continued to return home after a long day at sea, instead of being lost on a vessel they've named and maintained as if it were their own, with a hull that breathes and a sail that exhales against the wind in order to push their captain forward into the unknown.
4 : i'm much too romantic for this world. much too homesick for places i can barely remember. then there are the doubts, self-deprecating humor, thin line between narcissism and desperation; who would want someone who lives in the past, who lives in their own head? i'm not so sure anymore. if the present is as demanding as it is, demanding that we commit our time to it in order to keep an unattainable future intact... i want to write poetry for a living. and to have someone to hold me as if it were their second nature.
5 : i long for many things. peace is one of them.

1 : i don't think i got much sleep last night, hours just seem to slip past me when i'm talking to him. i don't mind it though, it's just hard for me to fall asleep sometimes, it's always hot in my room even with the fan on; i think i sleep better in pure darkness, when it's cold. i did write him a poem though hehe. also it turns out that he has terrible taste in movies, which i also don't mind i guess (he's on thin ice...)
2 : i took a nap for like- 3 hours i think ? in and out of sleep, it was hot in my room still but i managed to close my eyes. i had a headache as soon as i woke up to walk the dog, but it went away after the nap.
3 : i didn't get an email back from my advisor for my schedule so... i guess i have to wait until monday, which is orientation... oh god, i really did royally fuck up. and the stupid damn king louis the dog corgi kept me away from my computer the whole day. i couldn't do as much work as i wanted.
4 : then, church is just a waste of time. i don't really care if i get into heaven or hell, as long as i do more good by people than bad. i could be doing so much better things, but again- my family should come first. i'll write something about that later...

0 : this is from a few days ago, when i wasn't able to save the intial entry i had, so i copied it into a private journal so i can upload it at a later time.
1 : this song was stuck in my head for a few days. imo RL Grime & Salva's remix didn't do it justice... the drop ruined it (i cannot believe i'm saying that about old Grimesy-) i like the soul aspects the original has, and the use of a ton of different sounds can't just fit it in one genre, which is really cool.

2 : do you ever just, outstretch your arm, place a finger in the crux of the joint, feel for a vein, an artery, and just still yourself? waiting for the pulse you're supposed to have? and it comes, yet not always on time; it's expected, but arrives a beat later than you assume, as the blood pumps out from the heart, slowed for split seconds by the many networks in your body as the liquid disperses to keep each part functioning. but... sometimes, i fear that if i blink, or if my breath snags in my lungs, the pulse will stop, and i'll lose it and never be able to find it again, and i'll truly be in limbo; neither living nor dead.
3 : i'll happily watching them fade away. i'm like spinel. happily waiting. why do i allow myself to feel like this. it's what i'm used to. i'm used to waiting on the wrong people. because i hate being alone.
4 : today was stressful, and frustrating. having to do things by myself, figuring it out on my own. to have to entertain circumstances that should be fun, a new dog, my neighbor's dog, for the weekend. sigh... a dog is a lot of work.
5 : i do love talking to ken every night though. he's... really good for me. i... should write him a poem.
6 : the rest of the entries are- too sensitive to show, so they'll stay in the private journal for now.

1 : there was so much going on today ugh. i woke up to my sister rushing me outta bed to buy shit from amazon because of prime day and- i was indecisive as hell (i should really make a wishlist or something). my graduation gifts from a week ago were uh- giftcards duh, and i mostly bought... "cosplay" (?) items and some books. i specifically got akali's hat and necklace, rei's hairclips, asuka's hat from the rebuild movies, and asian books that might help me write my damn story. i'm really excited to get the first few things !!! that way i can wear them with any outfit and have people subtly point them out, whisper amongst themselves and be like "yeah, i know you recognize me," and if not, i'll go on a tangent. but, the books- they felt obligatory to get, for AAPI month (which was LAST month i know). i admit i haven't been reading books as much as i did back in middle school, mostly because AP Lit & Lang ruined it for me (except for frankenstein, the others were pretentious as hell..). i sorta feel guilty for dropping that habit because i used to be such an avid reader when i was younger, and i even joined battle of the books in elementary school. lmao those were the times, i still have the t-shirts for the clubs but- they sadly don't fit anymore.
2 : note to self - write a poem about being the "gifted child" hehe... much anger and regret to unpack there. six faces of a 12-year-old kid. note 2 - make a prose.html, for the shit you don't wanna touch again. orrr just update your portfolio with that shit ! oh my god i'm all over the place. why do i have to start so much projects-
3 : and the biggest news is- i found someone, he's really cool and i like like him a lot. he's probably reading this right now, along with the rest of my scattered thoughts so, yeah. just know that i miss you a lot and i really like having you around. i uhm, have no idea what i'm doing but i'm really glad you like me too. jeez i hope you know what you're getting yourself into...
4 : i sort of have the motivation to start new projects again, or even projects on a whim. there's one i call E-MOTION that's supposed to be sequential art set to some songs i mixed together. another is the poems i want to get outta my system, throwing dirt on my ex, inverting that one dragon poem, etc. all of these are just- distracting me from writing the story so, yay me ?
5 : fuck i need to get my shit straight, like an actual fucking schedule like the one i mentioned in the entries before ?! god... if only i can stop time. so i wouldn't have to move forward with my life. so i can simply tread water, without making the effort to swim towards an island that seems to recede into the horizon, perching atop it, mocking me with a vulture's gaze, its one eye the sun and its twin black one swimming through the edge's of my vision, an afterimage. ah, to have the twilight zone nipping at my feet, leagues deep, the cold pinching at my toes, pricking them until blood threads its way through salted water, numbed and pruned. i can feel the currents of leather-skinned monsters pulling me with their gravity, the swish of their tail. and yet, i only tread water, my arms making a triangle, haphazard, limp in the water. what purpose is diving in if there isn't anything golden under the waves, save for sand from past days ?
6 : ooh.. i'll eventually move this to that prose.html. now back to the graveyard, a scattering of stars.

1 : nothing too bad happened today ! meaning, during the daytime, with sunlight out. last night though, i had a terrible time falling asleep, and a few dreams that nailed home my attraction to one guy, and how desperately i want him to like me back. oh well. onto the good news ! i tagged JACKAL on one of my instagram stories, basically showing my appreciation for his new song/ep that dropped today, and he replied !! saying i'll enjoy the rest of the ep when it comes out bc i liked Glycerine so much !! ahhh seeing his reply made me so happy, i've been noticed :blushes:
2 : this means i can make projects in the future and NOT hide them from the music artists whose music i'm using, and i can get noticed ! i also finished up some art today, but there's still so much to do. i have so many character designs to make, and some art to make for other people, and it's a lot, but it's sort of making me happy that i'm busy again, to the point where i'm not ruminating on things that make me sad or down.
3 : as for my hard time sleeping last night, i guess it's just a part of my biological clock now, only slowing down when the clock hits 4 in the morning. i cried a bit, despairing over the idea of being left behind by those that are close to me. i dislike myself for being indecisive on how i want my success to look like, for allowing others to control my life to the extent they have, where i've no sense of purpose besides owing people art and doing insignificant things to make me happy (well, they're not insignificant to me, but i can't always make money off of my hobbies, then it'll ruin the joy of creating for me-). i guess... i'll just put all of that turmoil into my story for now.
4 : sorry for the shorter presence today, and even shorter entries. i'm still trying to decide on how i want my daily schedule to look like, and i'm feeling that i'll update this site at a certain time every day, or on certain days of the week, so i don't hyper-focus on this project when i have others to do.
5 : keeping notes on my computer is sort of helping ? i just- am a dumbass and took on more projects than i could handle atm. ugh i'm terrible at managing shit, which is why i should learn ! note to self - create a tw page for this page, bc there are some dark topics here...

1 : i had my graduation ceremony today. i don't think i got any sleep the night before because i was buzzing with... something, i don't know, anticipation, excitement for another guy i'm warming up to (but he might not like me back, but it's too late i'm infatuated, with lots of fantasies being spun to keep me awake to fill the space in my bed, the curve in my back, pretending my pillows are a person i want to keep at a distance but then explore up close).
2 : i think i look pretty with braided hair, in an outfit i haphazardly put together at walmart (i should try thrifting with some friends). but again, the urge to sleep is immensely strong, pulling on my eyelids. to dream, to rest my goddamn eyes, oh how i want my bed. i also want to watch trese, and to write out my thoughts before they're gone again in the whirlwind that is my brain.
3 : oh despair, what am i to do with the rest of my summer hm ? to get a job ? to be successful right off the bat ? to make money so i can flex it when i get to the dorm ? so i can impress people some more ? to have something to show for ? to be an adult ? ha, i don't know. all i know is that i want sleep, and i may be falling in love with another guy, but the name of an ex is still on my tongue, on my mind.
4 : oh, i went to the therapist yesterday. i'm not so sure if it helped, it's mostly just me reiterating what i've told people before. i've handled my issues by myself for this latter part of my teenage life, so what's a little more right. she hesitantly said it was okay to be independent sometimes. what i think i really need is a psychiatrical evaluation, because these thoughts that have permeated throughout my relationships and free-time couldn't be normal, right ? how does one get that evaluation...
5 : i'm starting to fear for my writing, and how it's harder to get out onto paper. it's so hard to focus, or to write anything that makes tolerable amounts of sense. there are a few gems here and there, but nothing cohesive ever flows from my pencil, it's all shambles of concepts and lyrics that i don't want to touch again out of a fear i'd get sucked into those feelings and conversely ruin my whole mood, my day, and then my night. i want to write, the urge is there, but the well i'm writing from is always negative, always dark and murky and in no way does it resemble the construct of "happiness." it's quite literally a load of bullshit; steaming, stinking, rotting, flies abuzzing, shit. the first rule of a writer is to write what comes to mind, but i don't want to force it to come out, when all i can do is filler-write. aha maybe i can be a copywriter, spouting empty words for social media or to promote products, like those ads that keep targeting me on instagram. i don't know, maybe i should cut it off here, before i ramble on further and lose what little free-time i have left (today).
6 : i'll... try and scratch my way out of the grave i've dug for myself. as much as i want to lay in it and enjoy the utter darkness, it isn't the way to move on. i accept that i'm some sort of ghost, or afterimage (oh that's a really sad thought)... maybe i don't accept it. i'm simply in limbo, in a graveyard, yearning for the sun to disappear so i may sleep eternally.

1 : i went on a short car ride with my parents to toss out an old treadmill, but i felt so lonely with my thoughts. i went through so many at once. the only ones i can remember as i'm typing this out are as follows: it's almost futile to try and pursue someone who isn't feeling "romantic" for me anymore, i've the whole summer to get my shit together, nature will continue to be beautiful even after i rot away, we are just amalgamations of people we've loved and lost, he doesn't love me anymore, i want to make a tumblr to vent out these thoughts (but that takes too much work), i'm unsure if i'm destined to be something great, but at least i'll be greater than those that have left me, he missed out on a bad bitch that could've offered him the world in the palm of her hand, so i will do my best to undermine the world one fingernail at the time.
2 : it's so many thoughts, and it's so loud in my household. i wish i can move out, to a quieter place (2).
3 : i've drawn a piece of vent art of my new sona/mig, and it's been a while ? i've made so many vent characters (that i should probably upload so they exist) for each phase of life i've been in, but this one... this sona means more than all of them, almost. i still want to redesign them a bit, to be more like a butterfly, but i don't have the capacity for such a complex design yet.
4 : i'm not completely okay, or pre-breakup happy (OOH i should make that a song or poem), but i am existing. that probably should be enough... right ?
5 : i couldn't sleep last night, so i stayed up until 4, trying to will my brain to slow down. i've tried venting, i've tried writing my thoughts in a physical journal, but i get so restless sometimes. i'm afraid of being an insomniac again, of staying up thinking about someone who's already left me for dead. i know he used to fill that time, when i should've been sleeping but instead i was awake with him, but he's made his decision, and i shouldn't bother wishing for someone to fill that space for him. i want g to fill that space; actually, i want many things back, like my wasted time with the ex-him, my efforts and my love back. i want my kisses back. i am bitter, still. is it too much to ask for exclusivity ? honesty ? oh well... i must recite my affirmation again. i put him on that pedestal, and i toppled it, because he wasn't the one.
6 : i just... hate feeling lonely. i want to be with someone who will hold me, who will stay through every flaw i unearth. platonic, romantic, distant. i just want someone to spend my time with... i'm starting to lose contact with people i enjoyed talking to. no one understands my version of lonely. "cope up" as my parents say. but how, when there is no one concerned for me. staying afloat, the action itself, is tiring; feigning a strong act, so people don't see the whirlwind behind my eyes, which is why i stare off, i look away fast, i blink away the tears that are stirred up, i pluck at my eyelashes in an attempt to wish for better things, to undam the damned resevoir of words left unsaid. oh... i'm not okay. who will help me feel okay ?

1 : i'm going through a breakup, this week marks the first since i've "left." the [REDACTED] bits are mentions of the ex. i want to erase him from my memory, but little things keep reminding me of him.
2 : giving myself time to move on isn't the easiest advice to follow, but it was the most logical one. then, affirmations like "he's lied to me so many times, therefore he isn't the one for me" help to ease him away from me, but sometimes i pull him back because i feel so alone sometimes. or, i feel lonely, and can't speak with this to anyone else, except him, and a few online friends who don't keep tabs on me as he did.
3 : it all just... hurts. it aches, it burns, it fizzles, it flares, it dulls, then it vices itself, boring into me, to settle into a pit in my chest, my stomach. no matter how many times i feel like i'm above it all... something always pulls me back to that same hurt i crave, in the absence of love, a void where he was. i remember the way he scrunches up his nose, the calm in his face when he sleeps, the way he'd kiss me through the phone. sweet little things that hurt to imagine him doing with that girl he's asked to be his partner (without my consent), the plan he's made without me, the poly he hoped i'd say yes to because he knows i loved him, i'd fight for him...
4 : but in the end, there was nothing to fight for. he's made up his mind, to keep her and to let me go, and in the last moments we were talking, it was apparent that we were no longer good for each other. i know my boundaries. i know that i'm monogamous, i crave exclusivity and honesty. he believes he's a polyam person, only because he's loved me and an ex at the same time, and hasn't needed a poly relationship until he has met us. he only wanted the poly because of us, which i'm fairly positive isn't the means to create a poly relationship, unless you've felt that way in past relationships over a long period of time. as much as i don't want to believe it, he was being selfish, and indecisive, and ignorant of the hurt he puts me through every time he mentions that girl's name.
5 : not to mention... he's gaslighted me, saying that the girl was stifling her feelings for me, in order to make me happy. i never asked her to do that, only for them to be honest with me. i wasn't the one informed on his plans or her feelings, and even before he told me, he knew i'd hate the truth. and... he was right, their truths are what made me leave.
6 : the last time we spoke, he said he doesn't care about me anymore. so why is it so hard to let him go ? goddamnit, why is it so hard to let him go...
7 : i've entertained ideas of running away, of sneaking out, of replacing him with another online person(a), of getting with the other guy i've rejected then yearn to accept because he's a warm body... but those are only ideas, and aren't tackling the problem at hand.
8 : i feel so lost. i feel so lost and no one cares to find me, nor do people have the capacity to care because this is my breakup. as hard as it is, it is up to me to handle it however i deem fit. all breakups are suffered through... alone. if this isn't true, then the two people will only end back up together, only to hurt each other even more, like little spindly parasites that seek warmth and blood to survive, parasites that aren't motivated by love, but need.
9 : distractions can only help so much. a nice movie, a new character, some inside jokes with family. but in the end, when i retreat to my bed... the bed i used to share with him, over long-distance calls... oh... i don't even remember if i have a soul without him there to remind me he filled some space in me. it's difficult to get out of bed immediately, when i wake up. i remain there, turning thoughts over and over, until someone comes to check up on me, or the urge to stop feeling pathetic is buzzing through my limbs.
10 : all i can do right now... i can only hold the hurt i have, to carress it and soothe it by writing my thoughts out, writing poems, phrases, talking to people, and finding what used to make me happy before him, to rely on happiness that isn't embodied in a singular person. i'll make the hurt smaller and smaller, until the memory of him doesn't ache anymore, and maybe one day, i can look back fondly. that day isn't any time soon, but in the far future, possibly.
11 : i realize that people aren't permanent, but i for the moment am. i am alive, and i am hurting, but i am capable of so much more than moping and grieving over a man who doesn't grieve over me. i am strong. i am trying. though my progress isn't always visible, clarity is made with each passing day. i am not going back to him. i am looking forward without him. i will love however i'd like, and no one can dictate whether it's wrong to love someone; only i can decide who i want to be with, who i want to keep around. i will monitor how much effort i put into these relationships, and who fits the criteria i have. i should made a list of necessary traits i need to see in a partner.
12 : i think... i'm spent. i'll leave this be for now, and i'll do my best to focus on the underlined bits. back to the graveyard, this ghost still needs to rest.

1 : GODDD don't you hate it when you can feel the extent of your creativity ? where your brain is buzzing with too much stimuli and it's hard to catch up with your thoughts ?? ON TOP OF THAT there are people who are younger than you that are MORE talented and skilled and are on the art level you want to reach ??? fuck i've had it with social media, and getting jealous over people.
2 : one fear i have is that i'll go out before i reach my full potential. i know that's a little dark but it's always crossed my mind whenever i felt like i'm not contributing shit, where i realize that people can do what i do, or do better things than me. and it's true, i'm not as skilled as i'd like to be, i'm mediocre at best when it comes to comparing myself to, say, my more artistic sister, and my ideas are all over the place, and i don't have much to show for it. i just wish i can be more organized, or where my thoughts can slow down for once so i can SLEEP.
3 : i'm using this journal as a crutch again. and it's nice, since i don't like clicking through different tabs on notion just to get to the old journal.
4 : idk, i wish i can get a mental health examination, because this pandemic has been fucking me up, and the trip to the hospital was where my mental health dipped so low, that i don't believe i can be any lower than that. there's many things i wish for, and to never experience that again is one of them. i hate the hospital, i hate living up to other people's expectations, i just wanna sit here and write on my computer all day, with no one to disturb me, no losses to take note of and mourn... i just realized they (my parents) don't ask how we're doing, but i guess they're just looking out for themselves first, and that's where i got it from, being by myself on certain hard subjects.
5 : [REDACTED]
6 : maybe i am just a writer, and drawing can become my hobby, instead of a form of income. oh god, or maybe i can't even do that until i have something to show for it... how the fuck to artists make money without having something worth reading ? amanda gorman is the dream, as she's somewhat close to my age and is a successful and concsie poet. i just want success. i just want money. i want a lot of things, and stability is another one of them.
7 : i want to tell a lot of people's stories, but my own should take priority. an american filipino. that has a nice ring to it. now back to the graveyard.

1 : i keep abandoning this site until i need to write a journal entry. what sucks is that i don't even write much in a journal anymore, since this week has been hectic. i've mostly been active elsewhere, and focusing on drawing for people i owe art to...
2 : tw - family death - in the philippines, my uncle and cousin died over spring break, they were cremated in body bags, and we saw the smoke from the crematorium over video calls. it's been like riding a wave i don't know how to control, from highs like watching movies or shows to distract from the hurt, to lows like crying at 2am in the morning over my lack of memories with those family members. i wish i was numb, but at the same time i made a sort-of promise to myself to not forget what they've done for my family. it's like i'm floating, a ghost between existences, between selfish self-isolation as to focus on bettering myself, or selfless check-ups and spending my energy trying to help others. i don't know. i'm not that type of person, to help. what more can i do, i don't believe in god anymore.
3 : i know i'm polarizing myself from my family as soon as i say that, but at this point i just want to be my own person. as much as i'm supposed to help them through the hurt, i've been hurting in small increments, and have had to rely on myself to get through lack of motivation and... bad thoughts. but, it feels like i'm getting better, where i'm not as drastic or dramatic, and don't immediately go to 100 whenever something doesn't go my way. actually, that's a lie, i let it all build up until i have to release it through crying or just- existing alone in my bed. i'm not sure if i'm in a good place, but other people are in worse places, so i won't complain.
4 : [REDACTED]
5 : i just need some sense of stability, to be able to feel like i'm going somewhere, instead of stuck in the purgatory of a frozen pendulum swing.
6 : ig i'll make this my catchphrase. i'll see you in the graveyard.

1 : guess who's back, back again. multo's back, tell a friend
2 : ik it's been a hot minute, idk what i plan on doing with this site, except to maybe turn it into a personal carrd type thing. i need to relearn some coding because i forgot a lot, but i'm a work in progress, not a master piece.
3 : ig i can use this as a journal now ? even if there might be a lot of traffic to this site knowing i'll link it everywhere now, y'all don't know me. i think i'm just fighting myself on whether to stay anonymous or to use a journal as a crutch like i did before. oh well, i don't really like talking aloud anyway. i focus on projects and owed art so i don't have space in my brain to think.
4 : [REDACTED]
5 : my first entry back and i'm already spiraling. how embarassing.
6 : [REDACTED]
7 : [REDACTED]
8 : i need to stop being so controlling. just because adults have controlled me, doesn't mean i have to be like them. fuck generations past, i'm seizing my own.
9 : whew, i'm not letting any relatives find this site. fuck no.
10 : this was lowkey therapuetic, considering my parents think i don't need one anymore when i'm struggling internally. i'll deal with this myself i guess.
11 : [REDACTED]
12 : who the FUCK do i ask help from.
13 : i'm done, no more, i'll figure this out on my own time. back to the graveyard.

1 : today started out okay. i listened to some good (trap) music from the City. i found some old songs i used to listen to on the radio. despite it being more than 7 years old, it still resonates.

2 : [REDACTED]
3 : [REDACTED]

1 : test. to remind myself that i can be anonymous again, and i need to be up front with my thoughts instead of pushing them down and hoarding it.
2 : i'm angry that the college admissions process isn't over yet. now i gotta apply to scholarships because my family can't afford to send two dreamers to expensive out-of-state colleges. i'm always angry. i know who i got it from, my dad. he's holding my phone hostage, i can't even talk to my friends (4) or check social media that much. it's been two months without the black mirror. i still feel so alone, and isolated. i can't wait to have another session with my therapist, at least i don't have to worry about emotional repercussions if i fuck up with what i say.
3 : [REDACTED]
4 : [REDACTED]
5 : they were all right. i'm just a hedgehog. avoidant of any closeness, but yearn for it at the same time. i want instant gratification, instant replies, chasing that high as i talk to someone constantly. searching for a little serotonin. quarantine is making me lust for someone's touch. g put it as "stir crazy" or something. he wasn't wrong. i'm legal now. i can have sex with whomever, as long as they and i use protection. maybe i should give him a chance. he's careful, but he slips up sometimes. i just want an escape. i want to escape.
6 : there's so much i want to do. but it's like the world is against me. my family is passive about the music i make, lyrics and poems i write, that's why i don't show them. i want my own identity, one i crafted myself, not some place on a stage that the puppeteers need filled (as much as i love ayanami, i am no kuudere. push me and i will shove back).