dₒᵤbₗₑ ₕₑₗᵢₓ'd
ₛₚᵢᵣᵢₜ
return his soul loose ends camcorder
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descend the abyssal zone

this is where parts of me lie with my boyfriend. he alone holds me like a coffin i'm willing to die in.
i'm still afraid of death, but it comforts me that it'll always be him.

each title is an accordion. upon opening the accordion, you can check/uncheck the titles you see (in a list) to read the different things i've written for my boyfriend.

first of all
  • sentiment(all)
    • i'm a very sentimental person. i hold onto sweet things.
      over time, i've learned that
      the longer i hold those sweet things on my tongue,
      behind my clenched teeth,
      out of fear the sweetness will trickle down the corners of my mouth
      mingling with tears-
      at the end of it, the sweet eventually fades into something else,
      no matter how desperately i'd like for it to stay;
      it changes forms and becomes bitter, and i wonder why it never really fades.
      the rose tint behind my eyes dulls as well,
      draining from a world built on an unstable pedestal,
      leaving a throb of pain as the panes of my heart fracture.
      what am i to do, except mend myself and try looking again, so i don't forget how to crave...


      despite my hurt,
      despite my hands and arms being riddled
      with hairline flaws and scars,
      i hold onto you tighter than i think i should.


      i'm
      enamored with you, to say the least.


      at times, i want to pluck the words you say
      right out of thin air,
      as if they were leaves fallen from a degree of shared interest-
      to pinch them between my fingers,
      to hold them up to the sunlight and starshine,
      to frame them in my mind's eye,
      to keep simple-words-that-mask-complex-feelings
      in a place where i can always see them
      even as i drift away from the world.

      better yet, i wish
      i could weave the softness in your voice
      into a fabric i can envelop myself in,
      so i can feel your sincerity even after the static fades to silence.
      the tenor, alto in your voice- even your hysterics and tangents-
      eases warmth into the worn heartstrings
      within my chest;
      i yearn to sing again.


      i'm...


      i'm afraid i'm falling for you.

      i

      wish to have you.

      i wish

      to lose myself in you.


      i could care less where i end and you begin.
      you, the parts you show, the whole you, simply you-
      it's all i want.
      anything, everything.


      it may be early to say, but in a short span of days
      i finally feel safe.
      i've been chasing many sweet things,
      and overstayed wherever it's offered.
      only to discover- too late- it's in fact a poison.


      yet, you aren't harmful, as far as i can tell.
      not an a-hole either.
      therefore
      there are no words left to describe how much i'd like for you to stay.
  • Untitled
    • Is it possible for you to get away with it?
      Never-
      Beloved!
      So long as I'm me and you're you,
      and the world contains the both of us,
      me the loving and you the loathe,
      The other
      must chase the one who is eluding him.


      I'm afraid my existence has finally become a flaw-
      it appears
      far too fated!
      Even if I give it my all,
      I'm not sure I'll succeed-
      but what if I don't accomplish my goal here?


      It's only to keep the nerves tense,
      to wipe away tears and chuckle at a mishap.
      And bewildered,
      get up and start all over again-
      thus the chase consumes one's entire life.


      While you're about it,
      take a quick peek from your furthest horizon.
      So far down in the mud
      and darkness,
      at me,
      I shape myself-
      Ever Removed!
      As soon as the old hope falls to the ground,
      a new one rises up,
      straight to the same mark.
  • sticky notes
    • remember the phrase, "to frame (the words you say) in my mind's eye" ? that applies here
      simply put, these are my favorite lines you've ever said that you may not ever realize how much they've affected me
      some may be paraphrased or rewritten [my voice], but it's all still you

      1. you're my wifey.
      2. [do i have to compete with anyone.] no. i'm all yours. all my attention, all my love. you have my everything.
        [this made me tear up]
      3. [you call me "babe" all the time, but
        when you call me "tsoko" to be sincere, or
        when you call me by my real name to be serious,
        i can see how much you care about me]
      4. [i love you to the stars and back]
        i have all the stars in the sky, but i'm happy i get to keep you. [or]
        you're my world, tsoko.
      5. look at it this way. i get to fall in love with you all over again.
      6. i wish you could read my mind to see how much space you take up.
      7. i love you more than anything or anyone in my life [you said at 7 in the morning, 8 for me] [or]
        i love you babe. i really do. [or]
        i love you. i do. i feel like i want to be with you forever [or]
        i found love in you. now, i will love you forever [or]
        love isn't always eternal, but i'm sure mine for you is
      8. you're the one thing i care about. [or]
        you're my number one pirority. [or]
        you're too perfect of a woman for me to leave so easily
      9. i'll make it up to you.
      10. [what if i'm not perfect for you] you're perfect for me.
        [what if i've changed, too] i've changed for you.
      11. but, they weren't you.
      12. [pagod ako rin, pero gusto kong matulog sa tabi mo]
        gusto kitang hawakan habang natutulog tayo.
      13. i don't mind.
      14. i don't understand why astronauts need to go out into space to see the world. when i want to see the world, i look at you.
        [i put down my phone and cover my face]
      15. how's my beautiful girl doing
        [i put my phone down Again, squeal into my hands and cover my face. i'm very easy ngl]
      16. [after winning a duo game as morgana] my gf best support- ever
        [starts quietly squealing, grinning like a mad man, rolling around on the floor, the works]
      17. i only want your love and affection [among other things you said that night].
      18. i love you too much to lose you and push you away when i need you the most.
      19. no, i want to stay awake so i can talk to you.
      20. i want you to move in so i can hold you every night.
      21. [what can i do to make you smile ?] simply exist.
        [laughs] oh you're laughing now, but i'm actually deadass serious. [pauses, then dies a second time]
      22. what about you? how can i make you smile/blush? [nicknames, your voice, compliments] duly noted.
      23. [how do you say "beautiful" in tagalog?]
        *you hesitate, then say my name* [is now a blushing mess]
      24. imma spend the entire day with you tomorrow.
      25. [if i kissed you, would that shut you up ?] only if i could get to feel your lips. [literally dies]
      26. [i like you a lot.] well, i love you a lot.
        [do you still have a crush on me ?] nah.
        [so, you're past having a crush ?] yeah
      27. [is there anything i can do to help you feel better?] i need a hug from you.
        [but tsiko- you know i- would you settle for a kiss instead?] no, i need a hug.
        [do you have a pillow?] only from you.
      28. i don't think my feelings for you are gonna change any time soon.
      29. [i don't wanna see you with someone else.] neither do i wanna see you with someone else...
      30. [do you want me to be permanent...?] i do.
      31. marriage doesn't scare me.
      32. i'm aiming to marry you, so... i don't think i'd mind raising a kid with you.
      33. i'll try and be the best bf ever.
      34. i don't necessarily need anything from you, but i want you as a person
        (and whatever weird things that come with being with you).
      35. [in response to me saying a girl was "really pretty" in a movie] not as pretty as you.
  • desperation
    • i want to hold you
      gently in my teeth, no blood.
      only marked as mine.


      in my mind, run wild.
      suffocate me with a kiss,
      then breathe out. still yours.


      we are ravenous.
      to have your touch ghost my skin?
      please, oh- i'm in need.


      i fall apart, you
      hold me together, your hands-
      safe, only with you.

      it's dark. you, and i
      bury my face in your neck,
      my lifeline, eyes closed.
  • heartache
    • it's an assortment (or a "mixed bag" as you call it) of heartaches i've written for you / about you
      i guess you can call them couplets, or something along those lines


      to chase the sun across the world,
      to be blessed with the scent of its rays,
      only to melt in your arms- mixing colors- when the day is spent


      i wish i could write you all the poems in the world.
      you deserve so many beautiful words i'm incapable of expressing on my own.


      i long for you to hold me as if you were born to
      as if it were your second nature to fill out the curves in my back.


      i try and memorize our conversations, so i don't forget what you sound like.
      so i don't confuse your voice with the insecure one i have.


      i see you in everything i do, how can i not miss you?
      how can i not hope the buzz in my phone is you?


      i want to share with you the good things that happen to me,
      but i guess i'll ball it up in my fists instead,
      tighten my lips to keep from overflowing
      at least, until you get home.
  • longing (again)
    • how do i even describe it?
      i long for you
      so much so
      that my bones ache,
      that my chest caves in
      on itself
      to make room for the day we meet
      (in other words, to make room for you).
      don't worry,
      it isn't hunger,
      or being on the brink of starvation
      i think... it's desire.

      i long for you still
      to hold you
      within the curves of my chest,
      pressed up
      against my neck
      to help me breathe.
      to hold you
      not just within my hips,
      but to grip your wrist and
      make sure there's still movement
      in you,
      a pulse to sync mine to.

      i long for you
      to listen to
      music through your ears,
      to lose you
      in your own tangents and revelations
      to hear you
      laugh in jest at things that
      might not make sense to me
      (an outsider to your inside jokes).
      i feel though,
      as if i'll have trouble
      taking up space meant for you.

      i long for you still
      to have you
      outside of navigating and
      regulating our lives separately.
      to have us
      and our shit
      together, maybe in an apartment
      but we've yet to discuss this.
      i don't mind waiting
      as long as we're warm
      and sharing things.
      (never you, though
      you're mine).

      yes, i long for you
      but i'm trying to come back
      from one long vacation i've taken
      to the edges of my mind
      faded as i wade in
      hoping you'll still be ashore
      when i come swimming back
      from the recesses
      but honestly
      i still feel jaded around the edges
      because i'm reaching out yet stressing
      that you're not on the receiving end of
      my messages
      my mixed bag of affection and
      unchecked emotions
      that taint the way you love me
      because i'm still hung up on the wrong done to me
      yet i'm trying to level and revel and
      let it be, so i won't forget you exist here with me.
      not for me, because you've a life outside
      of a shared body of
      text and conversations
      breath on lines of static,
      and i'm okay with it because
      i know i'm able to find my happiness
      without your guiding hand,
      i only ask
      that you hold space for me
      when i come back
      okay?
      allow me to keep coming back.
      i'm falling backwards,
      learning how to fly again
      after i clipped my own wings
      afraid to try again,
      but you're worth this pulse in my chest,
      racing to the moon and back while
      you're gone and
      i'm sitting with elated breath

      i'll love you the best i can.
      and so
      i keep longing.
  • supply & demand
    • i detest the idea that there are better people out there for us; that there's a supply waiting to be chained to my ankles. i want you in this moment. i'll try not to insecurely attach, but i'm attached nonetheless; i'm still trying to widen my tunnel vision, to allow room for accomodations.
      i swear i'll get better, less moping about and more actively hoping that no matter what's demanded of us, you'll be by my side.
      or, maybe i'm just projecting, and your staying is all up to your decision.
      regardless, i'd like to have you, rather than them, so don't keep this open-ended, got it?
  • pop quiz
    • remember that pop quiz we've been putting off for a while now ?
      GREAT !
      here's a catch-all quiz on the terms i've taught you so far AND some terms i haven't taught you yet
      show me the answers once you're done ^^ have fuuunnn~


      i'll make the dropdown boxes look less icky later
      annd i may add more as time goes on, who knows ? 🥴





















  • dreams
    • i don't usually write my dreams down when i wake up, but i kinda still remember what happened
      also, i might add the other dreams i've told you about as soon as i remember them-

      08132021 - (this one doesn't have a happy ending) we were in a huge school building, i think it was on a college campus. we were following this stream of people going out towards an exit that lead outside; the hallways were really long and winding, but the chatter was loud and sunshine illuminated everything somehow.
      when we were in sight of the exit, we saw it opened up to one of those stilt things they have next to buildings still in development; the stairs on those stilts lead those people to a huge stadium entrance about 3 stories up (we were on the 2nd floor),
      where i think your graduation ceremony was taking place. i was gripping your hand really tightly because i didn't want to lose you in the crowd; we were pressed up against each other. but, it was obviously after covid, since i could see your face.
      we were about to step out of the exit when i needed to go to the bathroom. i told you to go ahead, hesitated, then let go of your hand. i broke off from the crowd and went down a hallway to our right and pushed the door open to the bathroom.
      weirdly enough, i just stood in a stall for a few minutes, but i don't remember what i was thinking about. i heard other people entering the bathroom, so i went out of the stall.
      i was washing my hands, minding my own business until the ladies that came in told me, "you don't belong here." i looked at them and told them i was with you.
      that's when they grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the bathroom. i was fighting them, saying let me go, but they dragged me further down the hallway; the hallway grew more decrepit and dark the further i was forced down it. that's when i broke free and ran towards the exit.
      it was bright outside, but when my eyes adjusted, i was on the ground level facing a parking lot- no stadium, no people, you were gone. i walked around the parking lot in a daze; it felt like a lot of time has passed, and the sun was on the horizon.
      i did find you, sitting under a tree near a corner of the parking lot, but you were older, with grey hairs and wrinkles, and you didn't recognize me. i tried reaching for you but you pushed me away, yelling that i was a stranger.
      different people held me back this time- burly guys with dark clothes on. i was numb and crying as other people took you back into the building.
      that's where the dream ended.
      09012022 - your insta was public, and your third post was of you hanging out with some girls and your gf when i left. in real life, i saw those girls from the post, they gave me food at a grocery shop.
      then the girls said you were gonna marry the gf because you knocked her up at 18. the girls complained that you and her broke up already before, they talked about how bad the relationship was between the two of you. but, you and the girl got back together. the girls were saying how stupid the whole situation was.
      you kept the chat me and you had, and you wrote "i miss you"
      ????2022 - i had a dream about your grandma dying or something, and i met her and spent her last few moments with her.
      she was telling us how she was friends with a known activist.
      for some reason, we were talking in my old childhood apartment in new jersey.
      my left arm was cut up for some reason. i cut a word or two into my right wrist.
      you were ignoring me
      07082022 - i dreamed of you. you had some sort of scrapbook with my poems.
      you talked about the other girl, but you said she couldn't compare. her poems weren't like mine. we held hands immediately. there were other people in the car with us as we were driving somewhere. we were holding hands, and play-fighting with our feet.
      when we got to our destination, you followed me to my room, and i laid my head in your lap.
      your phone wasn't buzzing.
      i changed clothes in front of you, and you were looking, but you didn't touch me.
      your hand felt big in mine.
duality
  • missing
    • [untouched]
      do you ever miss
      someone so terribly
      that
      you look for them in the little things
      that pique your interest
      because it was theirs first
      or,
      his
      first
      [addendum]
      (you're) missing
      i've missed you
      for the longest time
      and i've kept missing you
      despite us becoming
      misaligned
      i've hunted around
      searched for pieces of you
      lying in everything i turn upon
      under every rock i turn over
      shards of glass to pick at carefully
      to clutch them in my palms
      a stinging lifeline, an iv
      a second pulse
      adrenaline rush
      interest piqued
      because my pupils dilate
      as i recognize you first
      the object topic its name erased,
      replaced with yours‒
      everything in this world
      belongs to you
      has been touched by your unseen hands
      and i can only grasp at straws,
      hoping the cognition needles its way through
      sticks me long enough
      so i'm no longer running on empty‒
      in terms of how i'd like to drink you in
      bottle you in my heart
      to intoxicate myself in bed
      before i waste away with this
      wretched loneliness
      and overbled chest.

      then, here i am still.
      i'm really yours first,
      my name after yours
      (it's out of habit, swear it's being worked on)
      but i doubt my efforts
      the distance and static washes away
      the colors i paint with and
      i'm left
      still afraid, to
      leave you with muted afterimages
      frustrated with the mistranslation
      from my mouth
      twisted meanings
      confusion and disbelief
      at the things i imply

      but
      whatever words you can make out
      speak for themselves
      if only
      you could see
      from behind my eyes
      angled down in desperation
      outlined in tears that slip past self-control
      don't you see it too ?


      say something


      if not you, then i will
      yes, i feel incomplete
      without the real thing you

      oh how i wish i can have what's real
      and not long for who i built up in my head.
  • open door
    • [untouched]
      the door's always open for
      u
      even if it might seem
      closed off
      i'm really working on it
      just peek in sometime,
      yeah?
      i beg u
      [addendum]
      i'm sorry
      i'm shorthanded in small talk

      conversations end before i can get a word out
      so i demand less
      or nothing at all
      out of fear you'll loose
      a hidden lashing tongue
      others have already acquainted with
      my fragile self-esteem
      to the point where
      i can barely speak my mind before devolving to
      "i don't know"
      or fall silent on the other end of the phone
      all the fight gone out of me
      breaking down quietly
      the door partly closed
      because you'll bore of me‒

      and i'm sorry
      i'm so closed-off sometimes
      lost in my own thoughts
      so i wander off
      speak before i can tie my tongue back
      words whipping about your head, fast
      like a wayward sail
      broken masts splintering
      under the weight of
      overthinking
      unreality
      derealize
      comparmentalize
      all of my past hurt
      suitcases and baggage, expectant of you to challenge
      my thoughts for me
      like in therapy
      describe to you which part aches more
      on a scale of 1-10
      how much do you love me?
      then you ask
      to what extent should i tell you?

      now i've done it
      gone in a circle
      i don't know what to think sometimes
      is it so hard to ask for a degree of understanding‒
      to tighten a few screws on the clasp
      so it doesn't all come spilling out again?

      and
      it doesn't help
      you aren't always around
      i know
      you've your reasons to be away
      and my emotions aren't your responsibility
      but they do involve you
      so some reassurance
      a check-in
      i'll truly feel over the distance
      instead of being reliant
      on old constants and forced hands
      meant to keep the rose tint
      balanced on my nose
      shuttering out the insecurities plaguing me.

      i really hope this does reach you
      somehow
      i've been doing my best to reach out
      and hold back
      dunno what's going on
      if i should get involved
      or trust you got it
      i'm trying to trust too
      but words and promises can't replace your presence

      this is the only way i can express
      without sending you blocks of text
      if this doesn't make any sense
      i'll reassure my self
      to the best of my ability
  • set aside
    • [untouched]
      now probably isn't our time
      it's more yours
      then mine
      but a small part of mine
      will always be set aside
      for u
      [addendum]
      there isn't much to say
      i can't put my life on hold for you
      i'm only allowed to tilt my head, catch my bated breath
      and breathe because you are separate from me‒

      but whenever you do come calling
      if for whatever reason you need want me
      i'll set aside my things
      when i can
      and i'll brush away the dust from your seat
      so you can take the spotlight
      of my attention

      because you are important to me.
      i'm sorry for not saying it before
  • behind my eyes


    • [untouched]
      the person i'm with
      keeps me up
      gets me thinking of
      sleeping but always
      dreaming against the
      backdrop of my eyelids
      a future with us in it
      nights together just to
      pick ourselves apart
      entanged couplets
      with admiration for a
      collection of stars
      behind my eyes
      i shine only for u
      as you look up at me
      gaze from the mud
      no longer blind

      i see you
      and you me
      i u
      us
      [addendum]
      you know i'm a hopeless romantic
      and it's been a while since i've done these
      poetry and sweet things

      believe me,
      i wish i were writing lighter things for you
      maybe i'm out of touch, out of practice
      maybe i'm still adjusting to your absence
      but god‒
      i hope you still remember me

      to remind you
      here's a narrative straight from my insomnia

      if the talking isn't constant then
      who's to say i still exist to you?
      you'll counter, say it may be all in my head
      you may be right
      yet there's no recent thing you've done
      to disprove of it
      not to me at least
      no drawn-out conversation
      my company my uncertainty
      a defense mechanism evolved from childhood
      a fight-or-flight that's yet to save me
      from one-sided people-pleasing

      i'm actually not sure if i'm learning to be better with you
      or getting used to being without you
      and that terrifies the shit outta me
      how will our years play out
      if we can barely meet halfway right now

      i'm doing my best
      to keep my world spinning
      but i hate not being in control
      i hate not being able to let go
      i hate waiting i'm impatient
      i struggle to be understanding
      i hate knowing my problems aren't an easy fix
      one and done
      and you exacerbate it with no sugar-coating‒

      better yet,
      let's lay that to rest
      another thread entagles my conscious
      i'm projecting again
      let's surface
      my plan
      is to be with you
      for as long as i can
      or in hindsight, it was your plan
      you surprised me, at first
      because i'm usuallly the one to fall before the other
      yet
      you caught me all those times
      or, tried your best to hold my hand, tether me to reality
      while i hid away in pillows and sheets
      afraid you'll concede to my negativity
      you'll agree that i'm not deserving of this love and support you give me
      because that's how others made me feel
      pity me or not, i'm rebuildiing myself

      inside, i still feel like a child
      inexperienced
      the name of love ruined by others
      and you have to gather the pieces

      i
      i don't think i understand how why you love me yet
      still looking for a reason when feelings are all that's needed‒
      or
      i've yet to learn what a healthy relationship is
      one without codependency
      insecurity instability
      blaming games, hide the truth to protect me
      treat me like i'm fragile like i haven't been broken before

      i admit
      there's a lot for me to overcome
      and you're still with me

      hopefully
      you still don't mind me struggling
      because believe me
      i'm not turning around, not going back
      i want to be worth your time
      i don't want it to be you and i
      i want us
spiraling
  • missing
    • (look at you)
      with slices of the moon on your finger tips,
      with the sun embedded in your palms
      lightning archs faintly pulse and race
      under your skin
      on your tongue
      with wisps of clouds forming your hair
      then it trickles down,
      pooling behind your eyes
      oh no...

      it's your eyes that i can't remember
      or, i'm hesitant to

      because

      if i imagine you looking at me for simply
      one
      second

      i'll implode
      or combust
      i shall return to dust
      avert my eyes out of politeness
      sheer what-was-it-even- my words
      my tongue twists and you're just there
      looking on still
      not seeing

      time passes and
      i corner my eye
      (look at you)
      putik as you said, made of mud
      mixed with embers alive on your skin
      fixed to the curve of your smile,
      tracing the split in your chest
      (next to your heart)
      flared across your nose like a blush
      but
      i see-
      there's traces of ash there too, mixed in
      difficult to focus on
      but the scent, of being burnt out
      i'm familiar with

      i hold my breath still
      hold my gaze for a few beats of your thundering heart
      and subside, subvert my gaze
      i look away

      my mouth tastes of blood
      i'm biting my tongue

      i wish i knew where you came from

      all i can do is fill in the spaces
      with my own assumptions

      and it isn't right
      it isn't enough for me.

      bite-sized are easy to swallow
      but not when i hunger for more
      not when i'm outgrowing my baby teeth
      not when i'm aware i can hold onto you
      grip you tight
      between my canines,
      sometimes my molars when the hunger is bad enough
      but
      it's alright,
      you aren't the stale pieces of bones
      stuck between my teeth
      sharp and uninviting because of the people they used to be

      don't worry
      i wouldn't want it one-way
      i may ask for too much so,
      if you'd like, you can have pieces of me, too
      so you aren't hungry any more

      i'll even pull apart my own scars
      with webs of nerves still attached
      still sensitive, never-ending
      and hold them in my palms for you to see

      behold-
      my true self!
      these stripes aren't mine right now,
      but they are me
      from the past, they belong
      in a way
      but i refuse to hide them

      although i'm still afraid you'll
      turn me away
      i hope you accept me as i am
      as i'm learning who you are

      (now look at you)
      i haven't the confidence to but
      i'd like to hold you
      for a (long) while

      we'll be alright

      i'll unbare my teeth
      (and you do the same)
      so i can feel your lips
  • 0317
    • i fell and got hurt. it hurts more now that you're gone
      a whirlwind of thoughts and the only one i can hear is
      i hate you
      but i loved you
      how can i be alone now
      you've made me feel alone so many times before
      shouldn't i have gotten used to it by now?
      i haven't
      because you gave me small crumbs
      that kept me attached to you
      i don't know what to believe anymore
      my thoughts or your words
      neither are reliable
      death couldn't be worse than this
  • crucified
    • it was during the summer of the last year
      when i met my mess of a Messiah.
      he found me lying, deserted by my own tears.
      i saw he was cast out, a family pariah.


      i lay there, clutching the name engraved on my wrist,
      because i carved mine skin with a past name his.
      but a name his joined the other exes
      and i hoped my Messiah didn’t join that list.


      still, i was ignorant. he was painted in red.
      still, i was drawn in by the smell of mud on his skin.
      he too was mourning, name hers never said.
      but i wanted him, wanted the past to be forgotten.


      it so happened, the oasis was toxic. he felt like a prick
      in my side, one-sided wine arguments.
      he was drunk, with sarcasm dripping off his lips,
      picking at my skin like a scab on an itch.


      but, he was the Savior, said “my hurt was mine,”
      never him. not his problem i was self-afflicted.
      but, there were lulls between triggers that i didn’t mind.
      he was still good to me, myself insisted.


      yes, some days were warm. i saw his smile, a hint.
      allowed me to preach, and i allowed him
      to speak my language, and i listened
      to his reality. yet, suspicion crept under my skin.


      i gave and gave. was weary, wary, teary-eyed.
      i let him partake in the flesh off my skeleton.
      i broke bread with him while he gave distant replies.
      i loved my mirage, didn’t mind if it was an illusion.


      i touched the sores on his lips; he often kissed with lies.
      i kissed the cuts on his fists; he held grudges like a vice.
      i caressed the scars on his back; his masochism didn’t suffice.
      i wiped the mud from his eyes, and in turn blinded mine.


      i tried my best to tend to our garden. with i, Eve,
      him, Adam. saw him tempted by fruits on another branch.
      i felt weak. it was him i yearned for, it’s him i need…
      but, i reached out and settled, helping another’s hand.


      i made mistakes. crossed myself, but i’m not the victim.
      four times, my tongue chose to betray name his.
      gave my body, my voice. i, Judas, gave a last kiss.
      judged by i, Pilate. i nailed myself to my crucifix.


      i confessed my wrongdoing. left him in silence.
      i withheld nothing, begged for him to wait one second.
      i cried, fell to the sword of my own guilty conscience,
      yet he told me no, i was dead to him, betrayal reckoned.


      i could end it there, but we were stayin’ up all night, alright.
      trying to back and forth this, that, argued relentless.
      try to recover from it, forever was promised. we’ll be alright.
      though, name mine became name hers. i joined his list.


      he’s empowered to punish. it’s fair, i brought on our own demise.
      still, i let him prick my fingers and poke my eyes.
      still, i let him pluck my feathers so i could no longer fly.
      still, i let him. he tore me down with an absence of peace of mind.


      one day, he revealed that Lilith was my replacement.
      i thought he was cruel, and i sang a dying angel’s thesis.
      he lied about love, said he wanted me to hurt just like he did.
      he killed my feelings with a Spear of Longinus.


      i thought he was cruel, i took every trial he gave me.
      held the weight of my mistake, though the holes in my palms.
      in the end, i wasn’t to be trusted or redeemed.
      it was my fault i chose to burn my wings; to free fall.


      now, he spits on my name, and he curses at it.
      i try to do the same, but i still write his name in cursive.
      i know we were far, far, far from perfect…
      but, i thought him and i could shoulder my crucifix.
and again
  • December
    • [ALREADY i am swooning to the floor]
      My shy Woman, you inspire me to write.
      I love the way you care, worry and love,
      invading my mind day and through the night,
      always dreaming about the clear strangelove.
      [i like the term "strangelove" - i hope it isn't a typo]

      [shall i compare thee to a summer's day? - sounds awfully similar]
      Let me compare you to a sheer ember?
      You are more hopeful and empathetic.
      Tense frost nips the robins of December,
      and wintertime has the local anesthetic.

      How do I love you? Let me count the ways.
      I love your comforting eyes and body.
      How your personality fills my days!
      My love for you is the sincere snoddy.
      [still don't understand what this means]

      Now I must away with a focused heart,
      remember my dear words whilst we're apart.
      [i will remember this, don't worry]
  • space madness
    • I need to tell you– I noticed something today.
      my mind stopped buzzing after we hung up.
      the quiet between my ears became too loud.

      I tried to pinch your words between thumb and forefinger,
      clenched them to my palms by the crescent of my nails
      but there was nothing left but impressions of your smile.

      I had to sit with myself and realize you weren't there
      to fill the spaces between the slivers of my fingers
      to follow the curves of my own smile as I part my lips

      to fool me with quick of breath shared between us
      to feel my pulse in the crook of my neck and to grip
      my heart beating in my chest, your reign over me

      won’t ever end, even as the synapses of my nerves
      pause with bioelectric shock at the thought of you
      accompanying all my seconds and milliseconds.

      you’re never an afterthought, simply at the forefront.
      how ironic that there's this much space between us
      but I cling to your polarity like skin to drops of water.

      your fingers dip themselves into my liquid state of mind.
      you need to help me balance the clay pot on my neck,
      make sure I don't run away afraid, slip through your fingers

      or run down your skinned elbows, the shattered glass
      a mess for you to clean up, stubborn as I refuse to let
      you do anything by yourself because I can’t let you go.

      I feel ripples waving away anything without your name on it.
      I have to fill my every waking thought with you to stay sane.
  • think twice
    • this morning, i told you shyly that i love you
      instead of echoing it up the staircase,
      proclaiming that you are mine to the heavens!
      (on the third floor)
      do you need big gestures like that?
      or are you okay with my soft voice?
  • torn


    • the ones before you? I've contained them,
      suppressed them like the moving urge to free
      a caged animal with watery eyes, trembling legs.

      I don't want their claws raking my side, their teeth
      snapping from the corners of my mind, wanting me
      to look at them, asking if they can be the last thing I see.

      but then there’s you, a different beast, one who still
      circles back to me with rehabilitated wings and a tongue
      that no longer picks me apart until i’m skin and bone.

      and so, I'm letting you run rampant in my mind because
      you're kind when you quiet my demons with a few words.
      you're patient when you let me sit with them, to tame them

      so I don’t feel possessed to lash out at you as I’ve done before.
      you don’t get under my skin, though. you’ve less venom in your
      voice. still, you can tear me apart from the inside.

      you aren’t them.
      i welcome your damage.
      you have my permission.
  • tomorrow
    • [what are your thoughts on tomorrow ?
      i know it might be a while...]

      there's a stretch of time between now and then,
      and it seems like i keep forgetting to take up my own space
      because i'm so used to leaving room for you that i don't remember what it's like to be myself
      [you want me to be myself but i'm still so afraid]
      i keep becoming smaller and it doesn't help you because you're trying to help me
      and i'm scared you won't be there tomorrow when i let myself feel whole again
      i'm scared you won't wait to leave, and you'll just leave and let me be again
      i know tomorrow isn't always certain, but i want you to be there
      i dread time passing, because i know there's a reality where you aren't with me
      i keep getting stuck in that worn path in my brain that i neither move forward or back
      i just want you to stay [certain]
      i want you to be there [for me] tomorrow
      always tomorrow
      always you
  • 100222
    • my favorite number used to be something other than two.
      i don’t quite remember what number it was
      but i hated the number two for a while since it reminded me
      of us. i know it’s cliche because i wanted to put myself first
      after we left things unfinished.still, my thoughts were of you
      even when we were apart. i remembered what we used to do
      when it was me and you. i remembered how we’d talk late at night
      when it was you and me.
      i used to put you first, before me, and i still do so now.
      things have changed between us, but we're still the same since
      we're together again, and we're adding ourselves up to be whole,
      puzzle pieces trying to fit into the little spaces the other left.
      though two isn’t my favorite number, i like that it reminds me of you.
      i like the number two because you’ll always be my number one.
      [holy fuck i can taste the cheese in my mouth. tastes like sharp cheddar. i can do better]
  • (your) complimentary colors
    • you make me feel very orange,
      a flame in my chest, flicked on
      like a lighter intoxicated by its
      own smoke whenever we’re on
      the wire. you’re not a roaring
      flame, but a small one with soft
      edges. you’re also the hands
      cupped around the flame, not a
      cage imprisoning the bird, my heart,
      but you are the glass of a lantern,
      protecting my orange from wind,
      rain and cold. though you stoke
      my fire sometimes, causing red
      sparks to fly, you aren’t the burns
      in my throat, with hot tears leaking
      from my eyes. you aren’t a flame
      that burns both ends of my limit
      as i wait for the wick to disintegrate
      to ashes so i can leave with traces
      of you on my fingertips.

      to me, you are also the color blue,
      cerulean like the ocean. as i swim
      in your layered shades, i find an
      oddity of sea creatures with their
      warbled calls, colorful frills. i find
      your decayed shipwrecks with salt,
      wooden holes and tattered white flags,
      riddled with lichen, coral; your ships
      are still alive, a sight for my eyes. i am
      a sailor, widowed from a scarred life
      where i was tossed around, battered
      with bruises and rainwater streaming
      from the sky into the cuts on my hands
      as i gaze at you, my ocean, and yearn
      to be taken under your waves, over and
      over again. when my head slips under
      your surface, i don’t plan on returning
      for air. i’ll learn to breathe you in and out,
      memorize your tides, currents, warm, cold.
      you’re something i’ll never tire of exploring.
  • for a rainy day
    • hey, you've made it. click the text below for a small journey

      i've tried to save some things for you, during a rainy day

      because it's raining somewhere else [where you are]



      you can sit and listen to the rain. take as long as you need
      you can move on when you're ready

      the rain might feel nice on your skin, your hair, but you'll catch a cold if you stay

      unfortunately, i'm not there to lend you an umbrella

      and when you look up, you'll see it's even raining when you go back inside

      and you ask why it's still raining when you did what you were supposed to



      the rain isn't rain anymore. it's too much, you say

      you've taken shelter, you've shouted at the rain, you've caught a cold

      but you have to know you've done all you could

      and that's enough. we can't always control the rain

      it's okay to sit in the rain, as long as you know when to get up

      you have to reach out. even a million miles away

      you keep coming back to me

      even though you could choose to be a million more miles away

      you ease the heart ache i've inflicted on myself, on you



      i love you

      * and despite everything, it's still you.
      * it'll always be you

      i'll always reach for you, to stay by my side

      and i honestly think

      [my] life isn't worth living without you

      in another life [or even this life], i would have liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

      this is where it stops for now, so take any of these things with you, it's up to you

  • 0116
    • you can't see this unless you're him
      if you ever read this, you have to know what happened [inside my head]
      the things i can't tell you i can't bring myself to say

      i thought, "i'm gonna tear myself apart when you're gone so you'll have nothing to come back to."
      i thought, "i'm a madwoman. a literal mad woman."
      i thought, "i forced myself to laugh at the situation. it was too good. it was too much."
      i thought, "what do i do. i don't know what to do."
      i thought, "i want to run away. i want to run away. i want to run away. i want to run away."
      i thought, "there's no coming back from this."
      i thought, "i'm not good at all. i'm not god at all. i'm no good at all."
      i thought, "i feel nothing. i'm in no position to apologize or empathize or do shit. it's dangerous to feel nothing."
      i thought, "i only think about myself. i'm selfish. when he told me he was hurt, i expected the worst. i wasn't afraid of losing him."
      i thought, "he walks around on eggshells for me. and i feel nothing."
  • 1231
    • you can't see this unless you're him
      the hatred in my mouth is so palpable i could almost hurt you
      i clench then together but i'm on the brink of hurting myself
      my teeth want to feel your pain, and i want to cut them on your flesh
      he keeps making me angry but i have to keep the anger inside because he doesn't deserve to be on the end of it
      i want you to bite my tongue so the poison seeps back into me, back into my veins because i always absorb my shame
      the paralyzing agent that makes my body go still but my mind run wild with fantasies of ripping you to shreds
      i only have things to say when the blood rushes to my head and it's all i see
      all i see is red
      i want to see yours stain the carpet
      it's hard to believe you when red is the only thing i see
rend asunder
  • your name
    • a monster of a poem

      your name is scrawled onto the walls of my heart
      carved into my ugly peeling wallpaper, bled through the white plastered
      on top of the childish crayon drawings you replaced, of things, people
      i don’t want to remember or i can’t remember because the only remnant
      of regrets are the crude renditions of when others rent my walls asunder.
      the white is also the glue holding my little house of a heart together,
      my house with shuttered windows and a cold breath blowing through
      the cracks as you trail your footprints through each room, and don’t say
      you don’t envy the front door for being open, inviting, an exit because
      i know you shiver in my presence and i can’t help it because i’ve only kept
      my heart vacant for you. no one else can live inside me like you do, or did,
      alive and changed but still changing temperature, temperament. my god
      my big empty heart felt so so small without you, beating twice as fast to
      feel alive when other ghosts filled the time on my clock, but none of them
      could hold the weight of my walls together; instead their presence burnt,
      a frozen fire. the marks aren’t visible but they’re there under the white tears
      of the wallpaper fluttering. with you here, the walls are expanding, beating the
      same way they did before when you first moved into my heart, and yet
      those insistent knocks from the past were anxiety-ridden, like the sound of
      a nail beating a death sentence into the coffin that collapsed when you left.
      oh, when you left, i tried putting your name back together, then i tore the
      floorboards up again to find any trace of your glass eye watching me still.
      i couldn’t rebuild myself without seeing you somewhere on me, around me;
      your laughter echoes in the dust bunny corners, your voice under the bed
      where i slept with your nickname for me curled around the grip of my hand.
      still, i tried to build around you, chose new wallpaper, anything to paint over
      the red you left in my eyes, anger and water leaks. when you walked through
      my door again, the hinges were old and rusted and screamed to be shut again
      because there was one before you that got too close, only to slam the door
      a little too hard when he left, and i had to make sure i wouldn’t collapse again,
      not until you see the new decorations and colors, thermostat and wounded
      cracks patched up again with mismatched wallpaper. maybe you were always
      meant to be here. maybe my house of a heart is just a shrine meant for you.
      should you decide the house is too cold, too much work to renovate, that i’ll
      never be to your liking, i’m glad you’ve stayed for the time you did. your name
      never left me. it’ll never leave me. i hope you know there’s always room for you here.
  • tangled
    • we share the same hair color (i think).
      is it weird that we remind me of hair?
      entwined in each other, knots and twisted,
      braided and tied but then pried apart
      because i couldn’t breathe from how
      enmeshed you were around my neck and
      my head was aching from all the pressure
      pressing behind my eyelids as your needles
      brought pricks of tears to my eyes and
      i tore you off of me. there was blood, too.
      didn’t it hurt when we tried to unsnarl
      ourselves from the other. it hurt more
      to try and let each other go (i think), and so
      here we are again, coiled like springs in each
      other, like a mass of color, brown and black,
      indistinguishable from the other, all mingled
      together to form a different, albeit confusing,
      twisted mess. kinks and curls and straight and
      crooked. it would still hurt to try and cut ourselves
      apart. i don’t know where you end and i begin.
      people may (or will) look at us in disgust, but
      i know that, despite us being pulled and twisted
      this way and that, tied back so the other can breathe,
      i’ll never let go of you. sure, i’ll try to brush us
      out every once in a while, though i’ll also be the
      one to pull taut what we’ve straightened out
      already. but, (i think) we’re also the knot tied in
      the red yarn, too stubborn to be cut by fate,
      so we defy them, hanging on by wick’s end,
      until i burn both of us out.
  • Second Home
    • This house we’ve built is amazing
      is it not?
      Sure it took some hits,
      windows have been broken and
      you had to deal with the cold walls
      punched in due to fights and me
      leaving outright. But coming back
      I see you've kept it upright.
      You didn’t burn it down
      you didn’t destroy it,
      more you kept it as is
      waiting inside for me to return.
      Even when you thought
      I wouldn’t, you still stayed.
      And when I did come I had changed.
      I installed new windows to fill it
      with warmth and fixed the holes so
      the past didn’t stare at us.
      This house was built to last
      because I built it with you.
      And I won’t leave because
      I made it with you. One of a kind.
      The only house I’d ever want to be in.
      The only house I’d ever want to sleep in.
      Because with you this house is forever
      my home. Your heart is forever my home.
  • to my vampire
    • this one is old, from when i was still in a poetry class last semester

      I hope this poem reaches you, before daybreak sears away the ash from your eyes
      and dust mites cloud your vision as you stretch and leave your paper-thin cotton coffin,
      with the burden of insomnia nights on your wrinkled brows as you weather storms
      of your world and mine. Yet you still carry yourself, dust it all away with a laugh and smile.

      I hope this poem reaches your empty hands before you carry things again, because
      I need you to wait– notice the slices of the moon crescent then phase out of your fingertips,
      then turn your hands over and study the red warmth immersed in your palms, even rivaling
      the star in the sky, flares arcing along your skin in orange undercurrents. You’re alive.

      I hope this poem reaches you, before you turn over a cold shoulder to your open cage door
      while you burrow deeper into no one because I’m not there for you to rest your head on,
      though I wish I was a person you can rest with– I haven’t been feeling full of myself
      as of late, like I’m a walking ghost wearing yesterday’s clothes, wishing for tomorrow.

      I hope this poem reaches your eyes as you close them and dream of me, pale as I am
      since I’m bereaved of your presence, an absence spanning land, space and small seas.
      Still, I yearn for your skin, the color of soil and clay, to bring me to life again, but you are also
      a grave I want to be buried under, not quite on the other side yet, but always by yours.

      I hope this poem reaches out to the thoughts swirling you, bed-ridden under your headstone
      because I’m not there to counter the current– ghostly fingers can’t touch mortal matters,
      especially if it’s your unfinished business and not mine. Still, I try my best to whisper through
      the smoke and mirrors to keep your feet on the ground, to help you take steps I can’t walk.

      I hope this poem tells you how your spell has bled itself into me, buried deep in my mind heavy
      with nothing but thoughts of you and your name engraved next to mine. I’m animated only
      by your voice calling out to me over distance and time, to form your hands around mine.
      But, for now, while I wait for our clock to start ticking, I’ll keep living until you’re the death of me.
  • star (that isn't mine)
    • * i'm the moon and i need my sun (you)
      * i'm the moon and i feel lost in my own dark without my sun there to brighten my face even if it's for a phase
      * i'm the moon and i feel as if i drain the light from my space whenever i extend my hands into matters that don't concern me, shouldn't matter to my matter, but i, with watching eyes through my craters, i see things that rush the blood to my face and i throw chunks of myself to the ground because i can't stand the silence from my sun
      * i'm the moon and i feel delirious like man, full of himself, when i maintain that we're still in the honeymoon phase but my words are sweet and toxic and fast as my moonstone tears gleam like the stars on a carpet of sky and there, i'm the moon and i fall head first into oblivion (my head)
      * you're the sun and sometimes you're too far away to catch me and my fragments as i tear myself apart
      * you're the sun and you're watching your satellite eat itself away and no matter what words you say i still want to cannabalize the world for looking at you look at me
      * you're the sun and i'm the moon and maybe you can't save me from myself but i still need you, beside or behind me
      * i'm the moon and you're the sun and i need the warmth to keep me turning to the brighter side, but still your silence scares me sometimes, since i don't know what to do with (myself)
feel more
  • your name

    • omni | he/him | 23 | multo-sexual (lol) | gamer / reluctant adult | American | taken by me ofc

      plays league, likes to gamble with it -.- most games make him mad.

      loves shitty, b-list horror movies, but is willing to give other movie genres a try (when i don't give him the synopsis). really prefers when villains are evil just to be evil.

      loves listening to creepypastas, but only from the dark somnium bc he adds his own music to his videos.

      watches markiplier's scary videos ONLY. doesn't enjoy mark's videos with his friends. also doesn't like jacksepticeye because he's loud.

      loves techwear clothes and nice (expensive) sneakers.

      at age 30, he told me i can introduce him to blackpink. i wrote it down in my notes so i won't forget.

      rants about a lot of things, mostly about how much he hates naruto's writing. also rants about the games he's playing or the latest news he's seen.

      he wants to travel america in an rv; because we're on the east coast, he wants to go west. after that, he wants to travel the world.

      he enjoys taking naps and falls asleep easily when otp.

      loves receiving creative gifts (like art, poems, playlists)

      wants a minimalist themed house. also wants a gaming room and to build his own pc OR just a better gaming laptop.

      his favorite colors are black and blue.

      his favorite animal is a raccoon, but he wouldn't mind having a black cat.

      favorite anime (but not in any particular order) - samurai champloo, yu yu hakusho, hxh, jjk, and magi: the labyrinth of magic. he wants to rant about jjk but he can't because i haven't read it yet.

      favorite genre of music is alt-rap/rap - icytwat, zillakami, earl sweatshirt. rants about how bad some rappers are when it comes to lyrics or production. still has a variety of rappers on his playlists aside from what's listed. also gives my music a try.

  • in the loop (playlist wip)
  • 090523 / your birthday

    • hey ! i tried to get you a cake. i know you like strawberry ones (not me literally asking you right before making it). blow out the candles ! >>


      there you go ! i won't ask you what you wished for because, y'know, that's a superstition. well, do you want to cut it or should i ? >>


      oh, that's okay ! we can eat it later. i got you these cupcakes instead, if you didn't have an appetite for a slice. uhm... >>

      is it okay if i can tell you what my wish was ? it isn't going to break any superstitions, don't worry. i just want you to know something. >>


      despite you being stubborn sometimes, i love how passionate you are for the things you like or the topics you want to talk about. >>


      yeah, i know you can get a big head at times, but you still know how to be humble (sometimes). and you're adorable when you're shy or flustered haha >>


      although i hate that we both share a terrible sleep schedule, i love that you still find the energy to talk things through with me, no matter how late or early it is. >>


      and i know you get angry, or frustrated, or upset over various things. i may be one of the flames burning you at both ends, with my overthinking and need for reassurance, but i'm happy you're patient with me. >>


      i love you very much, and i try my best to tell you this often. i know i can work on other ways to show you how much i love you, with the art and writing, but... >>

      i want to celebrate all your birthdays with you from now on, so i can keep showing you a new way to love you, with every candle added to the cake. >>

      i don't want you feeling lonely, and i don't want you to hate your birthday. i'm very happy to be celebrating your birthday with you. >>

      i wish i could've gotten you something more than this, but i hope this is enough for now. i can make up for it when i see you. >>

      mahal kita. now ! before i lose my vision because of my tears, i gotta put this cake in the fridge. we also need more groceries in general... why did i have to buy a cake AND cupcakes... >>

      after we wash the dishes, we can watch whatever horror movie you want. mind getting the light ? >>

  • dido's lament (using my voice)
    • i wasn’t forced to fall in love, but i was lead into this place by the hand, holding onto something i can’t remember. cupid’s hand, however small it was, or maybe venus herself saying i’m worth more than my past as she rubbed the ashes away from my hands, from under my nails, away from my eyes. still, i was hesitant. i rejected it at first, my whole body fighting against the foreign object as it clouded my brain— it stung. i didn’t want to experience the same pain like a husband passed—gone so soon, so violently, an end i didn’t forsee because he blinded me with fool’s gold and promised me a life as a happy wife. but i’m no longer his, i’ve thrown his ring into the sea as i escaped. back then, i felt ashamed for leaving his grave at some distant shore, unmarked in the water behind my eyes because i didn’t want to remember what he’s done; i don’t want to feel what invisible wounds he’s inflicted like salt slicing into the cuts on my wrists.

      but i remember now; not him, but you.

      some arrow struck my head and knocked on my temple, and there you were on the marble stone steps. you weren’t looking for a place to rest— not even looking for anything in particular— and i let you stay for a bit so you can figure it out.

      from then on, since you’ve graced (at times disgraced) my steps, you’ve made an impression on my mind so deep i couldn’t remember anything else but the weight in my mind that you carry. i could forget all of my responsibilities, my role in building the city outside of my temples, but i could never forget you, the mud you tracked in, stains fading as you gazed at my altars and cherished my sacrifices— guts open and bleeding, waiting for me to read the future in its black tar spilled— you looked at those and didn’t turn away, disgusted by my own frenzy as i tried to read for you in every thing i’ve laid hands on, everything i’ve laid eyes on. you reached out to touch the slit necks as if i made them for you to heal. after watching you smile at the carnage i’ve created, i stopped looking for the future in those tiny scraps and cadavers and instead looked at you, for you were my future.

      i’ve done all i could to keep you, your ball and chain here beside me. i gave you clothes i wove for you to wear, with some of my hair woven into the fabric, a reminder that even if you’ve shed me like a coat, your skin is still mine. i’ve given you a bed i’ve warmed with my naked body, the sheets slick with my sweat— still, you stayed long after i’ve fallen asleep to whisper sweet nothings to me that colored my dreams, dreams i don’t remember. when i wake up, you turn away to face the sun on the horizon, away from the two orbs burning a thousand degrees because i want you to look at me.

      looking at you now, i hope there isn’t anything waiting for you on the horizon, a calling from a distant shore for you to establish your own destiny, a calling from gods that appear as apparitions to you, gods you fear because they aren’t physical and yet here they are before you so you imagine monsters in their place to make sense of what you’re seeing, and they’re monsters you obey because you’ve been in bed with a monster and can’t bring yourself to bear scars of another one, and so you ready your fleet to leave me, Dido, without telling me of your fleeting plan to create a whole family without me, when you wanted a family within me.

      and although you hear my pleas for you not to leave, i look this way and that, eyes flickering like an ember sparking in the fire, about to jump out because the heat is too much, flickering around the background behind you because i could never look at your eyes, your eyes are not cold but regretful that we’ve ever made it this far, and once your flicker of dull cold meets my flicker of hot, it all sparks in me a rage as i say you were never there groaning beside me as i experienced my pain, you were never there to console me as i lamented at the walls of my empty palace, your bed was never empty because of me, i your vessel, was there to fill up on your sorrows from a different land i’ve seen in passing but never moored on— and if you could look at me, i’d want you to fall apart first so you won’t see me fall apart after you turn your back.

      but you still left, not wanting to cause me more sorrow by shedding a tear, because you never did regret me, but you did regret making the journey away from your home and meeting me on the way, the wrong time at the right place.

      and so you leave at dawn, spurred on by the shades in your head you call your gods, gods’ voices whose whims you obey like the crack of a sail opening up for you to be filled with their empty air.

      i take your belongings you left in a hurry and pile them in a pyre in the courtyard; the bed, your clothes, your armor and weapon. i tell no one of my plans and instead follow what the shaman says— i wanted to curse you with black smoke, like the same ash that clouded my eyes before.

      i carry salt in my left hand and cast it around the fire; walk with one foot in a sandal and one bare on the ground; wear my dress off one shoulder so my skin can be kissed one last time by the light and shadow of the towering pyre. and once the rites have been righted, i curse your fleet to never find peace once you’ve found land, as any life without me is a life without the blue sky, and so i curse for it to fall on your ships as i plunge your sword into my heart, trying in vain once, twice, thrice to wake up from my stupor— i’m stuck behind my eyes. i’ve become a shade, tethered to the plane of the living so that i may haunt your lineage in your golden city built for your son and his sons, so that they’re reminded of war, always war. i was never able to sleep once you left, and so i’ll make sure you never sleep again.

      a goddess, one i don’t believe in, runs her hands through my hair and coos indecipherable words to me— her voice sounds like yours. then she cuts a lock of my hair with her scissors and i’m set free to the underworld.

      i blink again and you’re there on the bed. what an awful dream to have by your side— one dream filled with writhing furies of vengeance like black snakes sinking their teeth into the tarnished flesh of a corpse and spilling its black blood, one dream of a son running from the mother he never had because she dare crossed his father and caused a life of misery and never-ending nightmarish enemies, black thoughts galloping full speed across his mind, leading him to a frenzy like mine.

      my mind does terrible things to me in the dark. i just hope you can still find it in yourself to look at me when morning light comes.

  • homophrosyne (antonym)
    • i've seen it defined as two people feeling or thinking alike.
      my teacher defined and hoped that each of us would find someone
      who shares our same mind, to fit together as puzzle pieces.
      i recall how odysseus longed to return to his cunning wife because
      she was as wiley as him, fending off the suitors who wanted her
      hand and to ring their hands with the abandoned gold of her husband.

      i hoped to apply that word to us but
      the word doesn't suit what we are.
      i don't think we're of the same mind,
      and i don't think you've thought otherwise.
      taking a look at our recent monotone stalemate,
      instead of adding up the sum of our parts so
      we're greater together, i divide us apart with
      a slash of my teeth and i tear into you, but
      behind these canines that snap and maul is me
      with half a mind and a split tongue, hoping
      you'd see that i may say things mindlessly,
      the venom i spit, though it's lighter than
      the air i breathe, it weighs heavy like stone
      when it lands on your skin, and it's acidic
      as it burns you through all the layers
      i've torn down, the ones you meticulously built up
      again and again because i'm the common dividend
      and i won't stop until it all reaches zero,
      the final layer or none, i want it all until
      there's nothing left.

      maybe i'm draining you past the final straw
      and i pay no mind to what i do, but even now
      i realize that's what i'm doing. small parts
      at first are broken, until you put it all
      together and it's jagged and won't fit and
      you feel drained because it's falling apart
      and my head is spinning with whiplash because
      there's different meanings that i don't mean
      but i can't bring myself to unsay because
      maybe i want you to hurt, like how i've hurt
      before, but i can't even remember the pain
      without looking at the scars and speaking into
      existence the memories that i'm letting slip
      away. maybe i hope you'll fix whatever i broke
      since you know you better than me, and since
      you always say you'll fix things, there's no
      need for me to lift a finger, because i'm
      somehow perfect to you? i don't understand when
      all i'm doing is hurting you and hoping it hurts
      or hoping it doesn't hurt at all, and i want to
      bite down on my own tongue and swallow the poison.
      it isn't fulfilling, sucking the life out of the
      conversation until i get jealous of you typing
      on your keyboard. i want to sew my mouth shut.
      cut my fingers too, so i don't claw at your flaws.

      some part of me hopes you'll find your homophrosyne,
      because i don't feel like i'm adding anything.
      i don't feel like i can walk around your mind at all.
      i'm only taking away and away until you're a shell
      of your former self. you've expressed that to me
      before, but what am i to do. what am i to do with
      the parts i've already taken away from you. i've done
      nothing to lift you up higher than myself. and here
      i am hoping you'll find the right words to say.
      usually at the end of things, there's a resolution,
      but i don't want things to end, and therefore there's
      no resolution. only promises made without the word,
      and less and less hope that things will get better.
      i don't know when to stop, you don't know when to go.
      if you've nothing to say, don't say it. i'll wait
      for the sun to rise tomorrow, because i've forgotten
      to not trust my feelings past my bedtime.
  • but baby (don't) it's cold
    • i'm the fist that's balled up in your pocket when it's cold out.
      with the nails digging into the palms. where the blood thrills and
      warms from underneath the skin because the pain is bearable, but
      the cold is barely so. the cold is a distraction from the pain
      when i don't want it to be. to feel cold is to feel numb, and
      to be without pain is to feel nothing. i think i'd rather feel
      pain than to feel cold and numb. i'd rather you feel my knuckles poke
      into you, against the fabric of your coat as they're sharpened
      to a point that i've made five-fold. i'd rather you tire of holding
      me like how i've held myself (un)accountable, than for you to take me
      out of your pocket. to let go. i'd rather the thin fabric than the
      thinner ice. i'd rather you barely shield me from the wind than
      for me to lose all feeling in my fingers. i'd rather you be somewhat
      there than not there at all. i'm a fist holding onto your warmth
      this winter. it's snowing outside, but i'd rather hide away with you.
  • what kills me (about you)
    • i think i know what scares me the most when we argue.
      it's when your voice is weary and doesn't want to continue the conversation.
      i'm uncomfortable with silence, but i can bear it.
      i'm afraid of your indifference, the absence of love.
      i wouldn't mind if you said things that cut or things you'll regret,
      but i'd spiral if i hear you say "it's up to me" again.
      i wouldn't like it if you give up. i'm afraid of becoming strangers.
      i'm afraid of you not caring. i'd rather you yell or scream at me, or even cry.
      but to say nothing at all, or to mean nothing... it makes me feel hollow.
      i must be doing something wrong for you to sound this tired.
      it isn't something you can control, the tone of your voice.
      i should know that by now. i shouldn't control it, but it's hard for me
      to not be threatened when your tone is dull, barely wavering.
      i know you when you're happy and excited, or when you're angry and disappointed.
      indifference makes those moments feel further away.
      it makes me feel like it'll be some time before we get closer again.
      but i shouldn't feel threatened, right? because it always happens.
      we become closer again. i just need to control myself and not take up too much space
      with some withering argument. i should dull my voice so yours won't need to.
  • i (do) love you
    • i said i love you even though you were asleep. i said it without a second thought, but now i'm thinking on it.
      i knew you wouldn't be able to say it back because you couldn't hear me.
      i enjoy it when you say it back, but that didn't dull the bloom of warmth in my chest.
      in my mind i imagined you said it back; you do talk in your sleep, mumbling things you don't remember.
      i think it was just the gesture of it, really. a reminder that i can say it and feel safe when you don't say it back, because i know you do.
  • hourglass memories

    • my eyes dilated when you walked off the last step of the bus. i laughed and embraced you, and the first thing i said was a muffled "you're real" as i suppressed my tears in your hoodie.

      your arms were tight around my back before you guided me to my car. i was floating behind my eyes, lagging behind myself, out of my body. my heart felt like a bird fluttering in its cage after a sheet was lifted off its the bars, to be met with warmth. the sun was blinding, and you were there.

      on my parents' couch, we stopped talking about the video on the tv. your face neared mine, and you were grinning, testing the space between us. you teased two times until i leaned in, exasperated when we finally kissed. your lips were soft. your tongue grazed mine, a taste i want to bite more of. i was addicted to the smell of your teeth knocking on mine. starving without a sound, push and pull as who consumes who. i sighed into your lungs, the supply to my own cut off as i smiled.

      the bed we shared, i smelled like you. the sweat on your skin, your unwashed hair, my breath on your tongue, my warmth in your palm. your fingers padded the scars on my skin, the textured stripes starting to fade with time. your hand slid to the curve of my back. the misalignment amused you, when the indents of bone didn't follow the fold. i could spend hours entangled in you, swallowed but safe.

      we both fell into the sheets. i was ready, so i let you in. i was scared it'd be more than i could handle, but you were gentle, talked to me through your hands. you watched me, our bodies trembling, nails clawing, my voice on your skin. whatever kept you wanting more, it dusted itself off on me, like a line under my nose. you gave me a feeling i could never recreate myself.

      and another feature. my little raccoon, with your hands rubbing your face, grumbling and thrashing about. my weighted blanket, my rolling pin, a crab i cornered on the beach. your feathered fingers danced along my side and i'd twist and turn and squeal a laugh out. the safe word was a switch you adjusted yourself to, a lull in the rolling waves of energy as i recover from your antics. my coiling python with the love bites. an ever-changing puzzle cube that perplexed me with each new face that clicked in place. i became but an instrument, an extension of your body for your zoomies.

      after my parents bruised my ego, through the saltwater, you pulled me closer when i didn't want to face you. ashamed, worried, scared, sad. and i saw myself from your eyes, an ugly mess that refused to stain your clothes. i didn't want you to remember me like that. yet, your fingers tilted my chin and i kissed you with my tear-stained lips. you reassured me with a smile. i don't know how you do it. i was curled up in myself, away from you, and you asked if you could hold me after i spilled my heart on the floor. you picked it up and whispered your apology, though it wasn't your fault. you opened my palm and lent me your own, lain between my fingertips until i can find my own pulse between sobs.

      and when i clenched, unclenched my fist with a furrow in my brow, you folded your hand around mine to ease the vignette around my vision. and when i bit my finger to stop the backseat from blurring, you pried my hand away from my teeth and offered your shoulder. sometimes it's hard to look at you when i'm being difficult.

      it's always hard for me to sleep. it was a new room, with no white noise. i had to use the bathroom at 3am, and the toilet flush woke you up. as i draped the blanket over me, you pulled me back into bed and folded yourself around me, sealed like an envelope. your arm the guardrail, i still lied awake. i'd push you away, an offense as you turn to the other side. i overheat too easily, i'm sorry i'm my own space heater. one finger to make sure you didn't vanish, a brush of my hand on your back, a snoring lump in the dark. the reason i wake up on any morning was you.

      i cried on our way to our last date, a ramen shop. i hoped the growl of the car would drown me out, so you'd stay strong while i fell apart in the backseat (because someone has to be one or the other), but a small part of me hoped you'd notice me, rain-stained, in a flash of headlights, the passing beam of a streetlamp. my tongue was thick, a cork in my throat. i felt heavy. i used my notes app and wrote what i couldn't say.

      everywhere i go is gonna remind me of you
      it's so funny that it's raining
      i didn't want you to notice i was crying

      i noticed before some tears in your eyes but i wanted to stop you from hurting yourself

      i didn't wanna be sad but i kept thinking about how much i did with you, and how we won't be able to do this again for a while

      i thought the pain would stop me from crying

      i know i feel the same i just don't like you hurting yourself

      what should i do instead of biting myself







      you held my hand.

      i crumpled the clouds as i sipped the broth, and unfolded the napkins when the saltwater leaked into an empty bowl.

      it was raining at the bus station. the rain fueled my puddle as i stifled sobs, snot and dribble, and you lent me the same shoulder. i spoke with my keyboard, and you couldn't look at me when you responded in a low voice.

      i'll write you poetry again







      you're gonna miss me right






      you're really strong, you aren't crying






      hope you don't cry






      we're really gonna be together forever right






      whenever you wear the new clothes, can you send pics






      you're a really good boyfriend to me






      when my ride came, my shoes cemented to the sidewalk. i braced myself against you. i didn't want to pull apart the cord, a bundle of bonded nerves, veins, our fingers still reaching for each other. i was tempted to leave with you, hidden and wearing your new clothes, just another lump in the duffel bag, a plush toy perhaps.

      but i left, and you got on the bus. i had to go to work the next day. you missed a class because you were with me. my eyes were puffy. you told me you cried on the bus, and when you got back.

      you said you felt a pit in your stomach when you looked back at your post about us. you missed me.

      for me, it wasn't a pit in my stomach, or a hole in my heart. i wanted to be elsewhere, pulled by whatever mark i left with you, tied to you like an unraveled sweater to its own needle, an unfinished project that feels more complete when you're here to make sense of me, my patterns and the stitches on my skin. i want to keep your metal warm, and i still want you to poke my seams, keep me frayed, to wear me out like how i'll wear you down with time, worn but not withered. i still want you to unravel me and see how much of you that you'll find in me.

      whenever i miss you, i look at the pics we took together. i think i'm forgetting your scent. i remember how warm you were, how comforting it was for you to hold me. there's so many things i still want to show you.

multo x omni © 06/2021 - ad infinitum


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